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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24672970">Stardust</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/platinumtongue/pseuds/platinumtongue'>platinumtongue</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mo Dao Zu Shi, grand master of demonic cultivation - Fandom, 陈情令 | The Untamed (TV), 魔道祖师 - 墨香铜臭 | Módào Zǔshī - Mòxiāng Tóngxiù</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>BL, Fierce Corpse, First Love, Foster Care, LGBTQ Parent, Love across time, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Reincarnation, Romance, Unrequited Love, Yaoi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:07:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>27,619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24672970</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/platinumtongue/pseuds/platinumtongue</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Song Lan cares for Xiao Xingchen's soul until it is healed, only to find he has been reincarnated as a baby. Song Lan brings the child to the Cloud Recesses, where he grows well for years, and Song Lan gradually reduces the time he spends with him. But he gets a shock when the teenage reincarnation of Xiao Xingchen starts to ask him about cultivation partners. (rating for later chapters)</p><p>Sample:<br/>"As Song Lan walked the known world, alone but for the souls he carried with him, autumn was beginning to give the air the scent of maple leaves in water, moss over stones, and rain in the grass. It had been three months since this new stage of his life had begun.</p><p>As she had been in life, A-Qing’s soul was quick to find peace. Song Lan realized it as soon as he felt her presence leave one of the two Qiankun pouches he always carried with him. He could tell that her soul had not shattered or dissipated into nothing, as he had felt it growing stronger day by day. She had re-entered the karmic cycle, hopefully to find a longer and more peaceful life than this one had been.</p><p>Xiao Xingchen remained unchanged."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lan Wangji/Wei Wuxian, Song Lan/Song Yuzhi, Song Lan/Xiao XingChen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Cowherd and the Weaver</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As Song Lan walked the known world, alone but for the souls he carried with him, autumn was beginning to give the air the scent of maple leaves in water, moss over stones, and rain in the grass. It had been three months since this new stage of his life had begun.</p><p>As she had been in life, A-Qing’s soul was quick to find peace. Song Lan realized it as soon as he felt her presence leave one of the two Qiankun pouches he always carried with him. He could tell that her soul had not shattered or dissipated into nothing, as he had felt it growing stronger day by day. She had re-entered the karmic cycle, hopefully to find a longer and more peaceful life than this one had been.</p><p>Xiao Xingchen remained unchanged.</p><p>Song Lan’s life became very simple during this time. In some ways, it was the kind of life he had always wished for. It did not take long to adjust to life as a mute. And dedicating his life to the bettering of the world suited him very well. He felt Xiao Xingchen’s presence beside him, and was not lonely. But in spite of this, there were times when the silence was unbearable.</p><p>He had been given the gift of a liuqin by one of the villages he helped protect from a ghoul. He had little experience with instruments, but by trial and error, and by observing other travelers he met, he began to develop his own special kind of expression with the light, softly sad notes, though he could not call it mastery. </p><p>But this only helped him to answer an emotional need for sound. Each day, he felt things left unsaid toward Xiao Xingchen piling up inside his dusty, blackened insides. When he started to fear that they would leave his head, he began putting them to paper. </p><p>‘Today was the Qixi Festival,’ he wrote. He paused as an ache spread throughout his chest while he pictured the origin of this particular festival. He purposefully avoided looking up into the night sky, where he would be able to see the Milky Way. He paused in embarrassment, even knowing no one would ever read what he was about to write. </p><p>‘Having been dead for some time myself, I know there is no real use for paper money. I did not burn any for you. But in the end, it was too lonely to do nothing at all, so I bought a flower and set it adrift in a stream. I don’t know why.’</p><p>He sighed at his own folly even as he wrote this. But the more he thought about how much pain Xiao Xingchen’s soul must be in even right at this moment, and how he himself was far from blameless in that pain, he could not help just a little more folly.</p><p>‘I never expected to find a soul that matched mine so well. We were together for such a short time, yet it changed me completely. If our souls are like the cowherd and the weaver girl, how many more nights of rain will pass before we can meet over a bridge of magpie wings?’</p><p>Song Lan would have blushed at his own words if he still had a heartbeat. He wrote a few more minutia about his day, then placed his journal inside his Qiankun sleeve and continued walking. As a fierce corpse, he needed neither sleep nor shelter, so he walked every night, Fuxue at his side, Shuanghua on his back, and the Qiankun pouch containing Xiao Xingchen tucked safely against his chest. </p><p>He passed many bleak and solemn years this way. He did not dare to hope that he felt healing taking place inside Xingchen’s pouch. If it was happening at all, it was taking place so gradually that it was impossible to notice. And he told himself it didn’t matter. As long as there was any trace of Xiao Xingchen left in this world, he would guard and keep it. </p><p>One peaceful afternoon, as he rested on a ridge overlooking a sunset on the ocean, he suddenly felt horribly alone. </p><p>Carefully to avoid hurting him but in a state of panic, he drew the Qiankun pouch from his robes. His heart sank. As he thought, its contents were empty. </p><p>He couldn’t move from that spot even as the sun sank below the waves and the cold of night draped over his body. He couldn’t be certain what Xingchen’s fate had been. He didn’t think his soul had fully healed, he wasn’t even sure it was possible in Xingchen’s case. He may have finally given up. It may have been too painful for him to keep trying to be whole again. </p><p>Even if his soul had healed, if anyone had earned relief from the reincarnation cycle, it was Xiao Xingchen. He might at this moment have found a lotus petal on which to finally find lasting peace, and if so then the only way for Song Lan to see him again would be to give up the cycle of rebirth as well. Song Lan wanted to. But he still felt there was so much work to do here. If so, he couldn’t say how many years, or hundreds of years, or even thousands of years it would be before he could meet Xingchen again.</p><p>Unable to find a resolution for the deep sadness that crept over him, he stayed where he was, motionlessly staring at the moonlight flickering on the waves. Until, his solemn thoughts were interrupted by an upsetting noise. </p><p>There was the sound of someone running through the tall grass behind him. But left behind in their wake, the unmistakable noise of a crying infant. Cold and hungry by the sounds of it. Though his bones still felt heavy with despair, Song Lan forced himself to get up to investigate.</p><p>He carefully parted the tall grass as he went, hoping to avoid accidentally stepping on the poor soul. Finally he parted the last barrier of grass and was able to see the tiny infant fussing on the ground, its face twisted with terrible fear and frustration as it cried. The meager blanket surrounding it was threadbare, there was even blood streaking parts of its face from an all-too-recent parting from its mother. When it spotted Song Lan, its crying slowly stopped. He thought he was imagining things as the infant raised its arms as if wanting to be held. </p><p>He couldn’t have hesitated if he wanted to. He gently brought the child to his arms and tried to soothe its crying, even as he looked around for the one who seemed to have left it here. But he realized there was only one reason someone would leave a child out in the cold in the middle of the night, and it was because they didn’t have a place in the world that gave them life. </p><p>Feeling an instant affinity with this child, whose circumstances somewhat resembled his own, he silently stroked the infant’s back as he tried to think of what to do. As he considered, he heard the child’s sniffling gradually shift to pleasant burbling. Then a soft ting of metal. He looked over his shoulder curiously.</p><p>With a joyful smile that instantly broke Song Lan’s heart, the infant was squeezing tightly onto the carved hilt of Shuanghua. It even let out a delightful little laugh, like the tinkling of bells. Song Lan was utterly captivated by the sight. </p><p>Could it be?</p><p>…</p><p>Sadly, though there was nothing he wanted more at that moment, Song Lan realized there were many reasons he could not raise a child. Apart from simple lack of experience and lack of ability to earn money for food as a fierce corpse, there were two things that every child needed which he could not provide: warm arms, and language.</p><p>He could not resign someone whose life had just begun to walk this difficult path of cold silence with him, no matter the reason. He tried his best to think of friends from his past he might be able to turn to for help. After only a moment of thought, he realized he knew of two who already had experience raising orphans. </p><p>Two days of walking later, he arrived in the Cloud Recesses. He presented Fuxue in order to show his identity, after which there was a surge of activity, and he was shown into Zewu Jun’s sitting room. They were joined just a couple of minutes later by the two he was looking for. </p><p>“Song Lan! Is it really you?!” exclaimed Wei Wuxian, running inside and sitting next to him without even being asked. But the color of his face utterly changed as he saw what Song Lan was cradling in his arms. “Whoa…”</p><p>Zewu Jun kindly explained, “Daozhang Song was just attempting to explain the…unusual circumstances of this child. Wangji, Master Wei, please sit and listen. This concerns you too.”</p><p>He relayed for them what Song Lan had explained by writing in the air with his finger just now. The disappearance of Xiao Xingchen’s soul, the simultaneous appearance of the abandoned child, and the child’s affinity for Shuanghua, Xingchen’s sword. And finally, his request that Wei Wuxian and Hanguang Jun raise the child for him.</p><p>Both cultivators lapsed into silence as Zewu Jun’s explanation finished. They didn’t even exchange a glance with each other. Song Lan’s heart began to fill with fear. There were so few people he knew and trusted still left in this world. If they said no, where else could he go?</p><p>“Daozhang,” said Hanguang Jun after an extended silence. “The reason you cannot care for the child on your own is…?”</p><p>Song Lan frowned at him in surprise. In answer, he merely looked himself up and down, hoping Hanguang Jun would understand. But the dignified gentleman only stared back at him expressionlessly. </p><p>Wei Wuxian let out a reluctant chuckle, “I get it, Song Lan. You don’t have self-confidence. Not the ‘father’ type.”</p><p>Song Lan hurriedly shook his head. It wasn’t that he felt entirely confident in parenting skills either, but he also felt that wasn’t a good enough reason to abandon this child that might be his only connection to Xingchen. He instead merely pointed at his mouth. </p><p>“Mm? Because you’re mute?” Wei Wuxian asked innocently. “Lots of parents are mute, children too. It might involve some difficulties, but people do it.”</p><p>Song Lan sighed in frustration. He held out his hand before Wei Wuxian, with the intention that he should touch it. If he did, he would be able to feel the coldness of his dead flesh. Wei Wuxian seemed to understand his point without actually touching it, however. </p><p>The founder of the demonic path sighed reluctantly, tilting his head. “Song Lan, I think you’re confusing ‘easy childhood’ with ‘good childhood.’ I know you’re a Taoist, but you know the Buddhist story, don’t you? Lotus seeds don’t grow unless they’re scarred. No one is without suffering. On the contrary, we grow the most on the other side of it. You and Xiao Xingchen included, the best people I know are all those who’ve overcome terrible tragedy. If this baby really is Daozhang Xiao, personally I think the only thing he’d really care about is being with you.”</p><p>Song Lan hesitantly looked down at the peaceful and joyous little face in his arms. The child’s face immediately brightened when Song Lan met his eyes. Still, even as this simple sight filled his dusty chest with contentment and a sense of purpose, he looked between each of the great cultivators before him helplessly. </p><p>Zewu Jun smiled and cast his eyes down. “Then do not decide right away,” he suggested kindly. “Stay with us in the Cloud Recesses until your heart is settled. If neither you nor my brother are able to care for the child, the Lan sect will take responsibility and find a suitable family.”</p><p>While keeping one arm protectively around the child, Song Lan raised the other in order to bow as deeply as he could while seated. </p><p>Zewu Jun arranged for a wet nurse to visit the Cloud Recesses as often as possible, but the little child seemed perfectly contented with the soy gruel that Song Lan had been giving him, and for a time even objected to anyone else holding him. Weeks and eventually months passed in this simple domestic life, which Song Lan found harder and harder to part from once he settled into it.</p><p>One day Wei Wuxian came to happily look over Song Lan’s shoulder while he was feeding the baby, making scary faces that the child viewed with fascination and some trepidation but not the laughter Wei Wuxian was aiming for. </p><p>“Hm,” said the demonic cultivator eventually, sounding disappointed. “By the way, Song Lan, have you decided what to name him?”</p><p>Song Lan froze. He hadn’t even considered it. Ever since he found this child, he had felt convinced that this was the new incarnation of Xiao Xingchen’s soul. It would never have occurred to him to give him another name. He felt cold all the way through his chest as if a wind blew through it as he realized there was of course a chance, after all, that he was wrong about that. </p><p>Wei Wuxian watched with growing sympathy as all this passed over Song Lan’s face. “Hey,” he said softly. “Even if this is Daozhang Xiao, he may not remember. At least not right away. He can’t go around with the same name as a famous cultivator while he doesn’t know that. And well…I won’t say it wouldn’t be adorable, but it would be just a little weird calling a baby ‘Daozhang.’ ”</p><p>Slowly, Song Lan managed a nod. What Master Wei said made sense. Song Lan immediately pictured a young child being teased by his fellows for sharing his name with a famous, tragic, blind cultivator who some still suspected of murdering a witness in a murder investigation. That would be much more cruel than even just being raised by a fierce corpse, he thought. Even so, the idea of giving this child a new name felt like putting up yet another barrier between Xiao Xingchen and himself, and it hurt badly. What would he even use for a surname?</p><p>When Song Lan hesitantly wrote this question into the air, Wei Wuxian blinked at him curiously. “Well you’re raising him, aren’t you? Why shouldn’t he be called ‘Song’?”</p><p>Later that night, after placing the baby in his crib which he kept beside his bed, Song Lan sat down to do his normal journal entry for the day. Although, since starting life here in the Cloud Recesses, he seemed to find it less necessary. </p><p>After writing his usual thoughts, he paused after writing down Wei Wuxian’s earlier suggestion. He gazed at the character, “Song.” He did not dislike his own surname, though in many ways it was just as common an unimpressive as himself. A roof over a tree. The original meaning, though not used this way anymore, was “settled.” It seemed far too common to give to Xiao Xingchen. But he considered it anyway. </p><p>In the margins beside it, he began writing out in tiny letters some of his favorite poems. Among them, he underlined characters he liked, and those that reminded him of Xingchen. His original surname meant “Dawn,” and his courtesy name, “Stardust.” Song Lan felt certain in his heart, even as he continued idly writing out combinations of different characters, there was no way he could think of a better name for him than that. </p><p>Although he didn’t need sleep, the truth was he could if he wanted to. And since he knew there were many expected things in life that he couldn’t give this child, he unknowingly decided, even as he hadn’t consciously chosen to raise him himself yet, that at least he would raise him with a healthy sleep schedule. He fell asleep that night with names still jumbling around in his mind. And as he dreamt, an answer finally came to him.</p><p>“Song…Ye. Courtesy name…Yuzhi,” Wei Wuxian read aloud, as Song Lan wrote the characters in the gravel as he met the two cultivators the next day. </p><p>Hanguang Jun looked them over and nodded. “Mm,” he gave his approval.</p><p>“Ye is ‘sparkling,’ I get that…and ‘yu’ for ‘sunlight.’ But why ‘zhi’?” Wei Wuxian asked.</p><p>Song Lan couldn’t answer if he wanted to. He was dreadfully embarrassed as soon as he was asked to explain publicly why he had chosen the character for “weave” for the name of his departed friend.</p><p>Hanguang Jun considered before supplying, “Xiao Xingchen’s courtesy name was ‘Stardust.’ One of the brightest stars in late summer is Zhinu. It is suitable.” </p><p>Wei Wuxian blinked at him for a heavy few seconds. “Zhinu…” he repeated. “The weaver girl? Ha!” he laughed out loud suddenly. “The cowherd and the weaver girl?! For real?! Song Lan, you’re incredible! Ha ha ha!”</p><p>Song Lan quite rightly didn’t take this as a compliment. He instinctively brushed away the sword traces in the gravel and walked away in embarrassment, even as Wei Wuxian continued laughing and even leaned on Lan Wangji for support. Maybe it wasn’t the perfect name after all, he thought. But when he tried experimentally mouthing the syllables to the face of the baby, the child produced possibly his most joyful smile that Song Lan had seen so far. And after that, he didn’t have the heart to change it.</p><p>In this way, Song Yuzhi grew more and more each day. True to his name, he really seemed to sparkle the more mature he became. Even though Song Lan felt uneasy to be imposing on the Lan sect for so long, he thought many times that he had never been this happy. The years crept on, and he felt more and more at home here.</p><p>As soon as Yuzhi was old enough to be aware of these things, Song Lan allowed him to choose things like how he dressed and what philosophy he would follow. He really only had two options, the Lan sect teachings or Baixue Taoist cultivation. But no matter the issue, Yuzhi seemed glued to Song Lan, and would only attempt to copy him. So in the end, even growing up in the Cloud Recesses, he was raised as a Taoist.</p><p>Song Lan was slightly troubled when, at the age of just six, Yuzhi asked for clothes that looked more like Song Lan’s than the white Lan robes he usually wore. Even though this child and the real Xiao Xingchen looked almost nothing alike, the boy had fair and noble features too, and Song Lan thought white robes suited him very well. Not just his drab clothes, Song Lan was starting to be afraid that Yuzhi would become gloomy if he kept spending so much time with him. </p><p>He told Yuzhi he would think about it, although the look of disappointment on the boy’s face very nearly broke his resolve. But from that time on, he started leaving the Cloud Recesses for longer and longer periods of time, gradually returning to his old lifestyle of being a roaming cultivator. He thought it would be best if the boy’s admiration turned instead to Hanguang Jun or Zewu Jun. He wanted more than anything to make sure he was safe and happy, and to expend all his energy if necessary doing that, but no good would come of earning such devoted admiration from someone he had wronged.</p><p>But on one of his longer trips, when he was gone for three days, he returned to find the normally peaceful Cloud Recesses broken by consistent wailing. He followed the sound and hurried to his room, where he found Wei Wuxian holding Yuzhi in the middle of a tantrum, while Hanguang Jun looked on with pity.</p><p>“I want Daozhang…I want Daozhang…” the child was sobbing. </p><p>Wei Wuxian glanced up as Song Lan entered and smiled broadly. “Well what good timing then. Look what Uncle Wei got for you.”</p><p>The child’s head whipped around and he let out a wordless shout as he ran over and clung to Song Lan. Song Lan was even more speechless than usual. If he didn’t know better, he could swear this child was behaving as if reunited with a family member. But this shouldn’t be. </p><p>Song Lan sighed, knelt and hugged the child, but he prepared to express something difficult. He pushed Yuzhi back and caught Hanguang Jun’s gaze. He produced his liuqin and nodded slightly to the Lan young master. Hanguang Jun realized what he wanted and nodded. </p><p>“I’ll interpret,” Lan Wangji said.</p><p>Song Lan, who had been using his free time to learn guqin language, did his best to describe his feelings in as few and as simple words as possible. </p><p>“ ‘You are Xiao Xingchen.’ ”</p><p>Song Yuzhi looked between Hanguang Jun and Song Lan, obviously not understanding. </p><p>“ ‘We were friends, long ago. I hurt you. You cannot trust me.’ “</p><p>Yuzhi’s face slowly filled with fear and sadness. He clearly still didn’t understand; he only thought Song Lan was rejecting him and didn’t know why. </p><p>Wei Wuxian put both hands over his face in exasperation. “Okay,” he said tiredly. “A-Ye, come here, come here.” He opened his arms as he sat on the floor and encouraged Yuzhi to come and sit in his lap. When the child eventually did, Wei Wuxian squeezed him playfully and reassuringly for a moment, encouraging a reluctant smile from him. Then he said, “Why don’t I tell you the story of Xiao Xingchen?”</p><p>Yuzhi sat and listened with rapt attention to Wei Wuxian tell brave and valorous stories of his Shishu. He tried to soften some of the more gruesome parts of the conclusion, but there was no getting around the fact that Xiao Xingchen had died blind, betrayed, in utter despair, and by his own hand. Fortunately, children were remarkably resilient with such things when it was in the abstract.</p><p>At the end of Wei Wuxian’s tale, Yuzhi looked hesitantly toward Song Lan. “Daozhang…do you hate me because Xue Yang hurt the temple people?”</p><p>If Song Lan could still breathe, he would have sucked in a shocked breath as pain echoed through his chest. He badly wanted to cry, but tears would not flow from a corpse. He quickly mouthed, “No” before he remembered the liuqin in his hands. He looked down on it and thought hard of a way he could express himself with the limited guqin language he knew.</p><p>He set his fingers to the frets, while Hanguang Jun watched and listened. “ ‘Never hate you. Not your fault. I’m sorry.’ “</p><p>“There you have it,” Wei Wuxian said. “Daozhang Song brought you here so we could take care of you. He can’t do it himself.”</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>Wei Wuxian considered with a look of concentration. “Well…because everyone has their path to walk. All you need to know, little friend, is that he wants you to grow up strong and be happy. You want Daozhang Song to be happy too, right?”</p><p>Yuzhi nodded with enthusiasm. </p><p>“Then I’ll tell you what you have to do: you have to show him how strong and brave you are, even when he’s gone. Can you do that?”</p><p>Yuzhi bit his lip adorably as he searched his own heart. He made a determined face. “Um,” he said, roughly imitating Hanguang Jun.</p><p>Wei Wuxian did briefly burst into laughter because he realized it, but afterward he squeezed the boy again and ruffled his hair. “What a good boy!” he praised him. “I definitely birthed this one, I’m sure of it.”</p><p>Yuzhi let out a high-pitched giggle and playfully struggled to get away. “No! I sprang out of the grass! Daozhang told me!”</p><p>“Oh really? Like this?” Saying so, Wei Wuxian stood up, grasped Yuzhi under his arms, hummed and he slowly raised his hands and then plopped Yuzhi on top of his shoulders. “You’re grass! Sway in the breeze!”</p><p>The two leaned in one direction, then another, laughing as they rippled their hands to imitate wind in the grass. Song Lan definitely would have cried if he could as he watched this with a sad smile. Even Hanguang Jun managed a small smile. </p><p>From that point on, though there were a few more tantrums while he was still small, Yuzhi eventually got used to the idea that Song Lan wouldn’t be there all the time. As the years passed, Song Lan became a visitor to the Cloud Recesses, while Song Yuzhi found his place learning cultivation alongside the Lan disciples. And though he grew up into a very obedient and kind boy, one thing that no one could convince him to change was his clothing preference: on top of a white Lan zhongyi, he wore only black and dark gray. As soon as he was old enough to start carrying Shuanghua, the result was that he looked like a perfect blend of yin and yang.</p><p>Ten years passed in this way, and by now Song Lan visited the Cloud Recesses only a few times a year. In his heart, as soon as he saw that Yuzhi was independent and could take care of himself, his plan was to disappear. He still cared very deeply for him, so much so that it made his chest ache just to see his face, but there were several dark thoughts in Song Lan’s heart that convinced him he could not be together with Yuzhi for long.</p><p>He still agonized over those few words he had said to Xiao Xingchen after the destruction of Baixue temple, for which he doubted he could ever forgive himself. But it was more than that. Even though he had accepted the fact that he had probably been in love with Xiao Xingchen from the first day he met him, he knew Xingchen didn’t feel that way. And he swore he would never drag Yuzhi into that world if it meant being tossed into a pit of swords for all eternity. He locked these things away in his heart, only setting them free inside his journal. </p><p>When Yuzhi was seventeen, and already starting to make a name for himself as a talented guest disciple of the Lan, Song Lan visited the Cloud Recesses. And this time, he received a shock. </p><p>Yuzhi couldn’t hide his excitement to see him as he greeted him in the courtyard. “Daozhang!” he said brightly, and bowed. “Come in and have some tea.”</p><p>Song Lan nodded with a soft smile. </p><p>As the two sat in Yuzhi’s room, and Song Lan admired how clean and orderly it was for a teenage boy, Yuzhi began by telling him the usual minutia of his life, which Song Lan was always delighted to hear. He brought his liuqin out as Yuzhi spoke and prepared to reply if necessary – Yuzhi had long since learned to understand most guqin language – but he was perfectly content to listen. </p><p>“And…” Yuzhi’s enthusiasm faded as he seemed to lapse into thought. His chest rose and fell quickly as if he were nervous. “And then…we learned the story of Lan An. Uh…the founder of the Lan sect. Did you know he married his cultivation partner?”</p><p>Song Lan shook his head.</p><p>Yuzhi seemed to gauge Song Lan’s face carefully, but his gaze soon flicked down to his own hands in his lap. “Some of the disciples were talking about cultivation partners…what kind of people they like…Daozhang. Do you have a cultivation partner?”</p><p>Song Lan’s eyebrow twitched in bitter irony. He cast his gaze down at himself to indicate that he was a corpse. </p><p>Yuzhi sighed. “You really are too hung up on that,” he chided. “Well then…have you ever?”</p><p>That question was harder to answer. For several years, he had practiced cultivation alongside Xiao Xingchen. Technically, they could be described that way. But the romantic implication meant that Song Lan would never be bold enough to claim it on Xiao Xingchen’s behalf. Song Lan had been just twenty-three when he died. He had never had eyes for anyone but Xiao Xingchen.</p><p>He shook his head. </p><p>“…never?”</p><p>He met Yuzhi’s eyes curiously, wordlessly asking why he wanted to know this. </p><p>To his surprise, Yuzhi blushed and quickly looked away. The young cultivator swallowed nervously. “If…if you did…what type of person would you like?”</p><p>Song Lan took this line of questioning for boyish curiosity, so he obediently attempted to consider the answer. Of course, his first thoughts were every aspect that he had ever admired about Xiao Xingchen. Would it be too shameless to simply list them, as if he could ever be loved by someone with those qualities?</p><p>He gradually composed his thoughts and cradled his liuqin, resting his fingers on the strings. Thinking there couldn’t be any harm in only telling Yuzhi these thoughts he felt forbidden, played out some of his favorite qualities of Xiao Xingchen. </p><p>Kind. Trustworthy. Gentle. Selfless. Elegant. Beautiful.</p><p>The last word, he played without really thinking too deeply. His lips parted in embarrassment, and he took his fingers off the strings, casting his gaze aside. </p><p>When he was bold enough to look up curiously at Yuzhi to see why he wasn’t answering, he was taken aback to see tears starting to form in the boy’s eyes. Song Lan placed a hand comforting on the table in front of him, wordlessly asking what was wrong.</p><p>Yuzhi somehow looked even more sad. “And…they would have to be all those things?” he asked with a voice that broke.</p><p>Song Lan had no idea how to respond, because he didn’t know what was happening. He quickly wrote out on the table with his fingertip, ‘What’s wrong?’</p><p>Yuzhi blinked, seeming surprised with himself. He took a view breaths and attempted a smile. “Hm? Oh…I don’t know. I must have remembered something sad. Don’t worry, Daozhang. How long will you stay in the Cloud Recesses this time?”</p><p>Song Lan sighed, still concerned that Yuzhi was hiding something, but he wrote on the table, ‘A few days.’</p><p>Yuzhi nodded, smiling, though his tears were still visible. “I’ll go and help the disciples assigned to prepare your room. Stay here and rest and I’ll be right back.”</p><p>After Yuzhi was gone, Song Lan could not escape the feeling that he had just missed something very important.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Note 1: the Qixi Festival celebrates the once-a-year meeting of the celestial cow herd and weaver girl, which correspond to the stars Altair and Vega, separated across the Milky Way. Legend has it that they can only meet on that one night a year, when the sky is clear, and magpie’s wings form a bridge for them.<br/>Note 2: Daozhang essentially refers to any Taoist priest, literally “follower of the path.” But as you can tell from similar terms like Jiazhang 家长  “head of household” and Xiongzhang 兄长 “elder brother,” the term of respect that Lan Wangji uses to refer to his own brother, it has a feeling of both “male” and “elder,” so it’s a very odd thing to say to a child.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Wooden Boxes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yuzhi's feelings for Song Lan only grow stronger, and he decides he must know for sure whether he is Xiao Xingchen. He asks Zewu Jun to test him. Song Lan remembers his forbidden feelings for Xiao Xingchen, and coincidentally wonders the same thing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Song Yuzhi looked forward to nothing quite so much as Daozhang’s visits. Ever since he could remember, Song Lan was everything that Yuzhi admired. He was noble and gentle, unshakeable and just. Yuzhi also thought that, even though some called him gloomy, he didn’t know anyone more handsome. Yuzhi frequently dismissed the fact that this man he admired so much was actually a corpse. </p><p>But Song Lan’s visits to the Cloud Recesses were so infrequent that Yuzhi couldn’t help wondering if one day he would simply disappear. Either to have his soul consumed by some monster in the dark with no one to help him, or to finally abandon Yuzhi entirely, as it seemed he had been preparing to do for some time. In his teenage innocence, Yuzhi simply couldn’t think of a way to get Song Lan to stay.</p><p>He hadn’t planned to ask Song Lan about cultivation partners that day. He just saw him so seldom that whenever they did meet, Yuzhi tended to erupt in a cascade of speech that was difficult to quell. But now he knew some very sad things. What should he do?</p><p>When the subject of cultivation partners came up in his lessons, it was the first time Yuzhi realized he had long been yearning to join Song Lan in wandering and exorcising evil beings, spending every day together, side by side. When he thought of Song Lan doing the same thing with anyone else, it felt like being stabbed in the chest. When he thought of Song Lan simply not wanting that with him, he felt utterly shattered. He already felt scared by how strongly he felt.</p><p>But that was only half of it. The expression on Song Lan’s face had been so unconcerned as he answered Yuzhi’s question, clearly not thinking of Yuzhi as someone around whom he needed to be embarrassed. Yet he looked so noble and handsome as one by one, his fingers strummed the delicate notes. </p><p>Kind. Trustworthy. Gentle. Selfless. Elegant. Beautiful. </p><p>With each word, Yuzhi felt cold sinking into his chest even as his eyes grew hot. He might just barely be called ‘kind,’ although he felt from the perspective of Song Lan, as well as the other men who had raised him, he was hopelessly inadequate in that regard. He at least felt he was trustworthy, but from then on each word seemed further and further from himself. </p><p>He was too excitable to be called ‘gentle.’ Someone who cried and begged loved ones not to leave could not be called ‘selfless,’ even if he hadn’t done that for a while. Elegant? Yuzhi did his best to obey Lan sect rules about being careful with one’s appearance, but even at only seventeen, he already felt he was both gawky and rough by comparison to refined gentleman like Hanguang Jun or Lan Sizhui. Beautiful…? Yuzhi’s eyes formed tears just at the thought. How could anyone call a rough teenage boy like him beautiful? </p><p>Moreover, from both Song Lan’s expression and how easily he was able to come up with this answer, it was clear he had someone specific in mind. Yuzhi badly wanted to know, but he couldn’t bear to ask who it was, or what happened. In the back of his mind, he started to form an idea. But because it was one that would have made his despair even worse, he banished the thought of it. </p><p>He was able to pretend nothing had happened for the rest of that day because he couldn’t stand the thought of ruining one of Song Lan’s rare visits. But that night, sleep wouldn’t come to him. Normally if he couldn’t sleep, he would light a candle and read, but with Song Lan in the adjoining room, only separated by a paper screen, he worried about waking him. Though it was forbidden at this hour in the Cloud Recesses, he quietly got up to walk in an attempt to calm his thoughts.</p><p>In his wandering, he happened to pass near the Chamber of Silence. Oddly, however, on this occasion the chamber did not match up to it’s name. As it was a warm summer night, the occupants had left a window open a crack. Soft noises were drifting from it. Since there was a sweet-smelling incense burner warmly glowing inside the room, unfortunately, when Yuzhi passed by he could see more or less what was happening inside.</p><p>Wei Wuxian’s hands were tied to the head of the bed, using Hanguang Jun’s forehead ribbon. Both men were undressed, their hardened and scarred bodies glazed with sweat, their long hair in loose disarray all around them. Though Lan Wangji was moving little but his hips, he seemed to be causing Wei Wuxian to writhe in agony beneath him. Strangled gasps of pleasure rose from Wei Wuxian, punctuated intermittently by soft grunts from Lan Wangji. </p><p>Lan Wangji lowered himself over Wei Wuxian, clasping his face and gazing at him with intense fascination as the pleasure streaked across his face. He extended his tongue as if to taste it and swallowed Wei Wuxian’s gasps by trapping his mouth in his own. Wei Wuxian yelped in desperation, but Yuzhi could see his legs surrounding Hanguang Jun and encouraging him to go deeper. Lan Wangji eagerly took this encouragement and thrust Wei Wuxian harder and harder against the bed while kissing him, until Wei Wuxian’s cries were loud even while captured by his husband’s mouth.</p><p>Yuzhi nearly lost the strength in his legs as he realized what he was seeing. He quickly ran, in fear both of being caught and of the feelings rushing through his body. The images he saw were flashing in his mind. Blood rushed to the center of his body, and with it, desire so strong it was painful. </p><p>Yuzhi collapsed in an alley between his rooms and another disciple’s. He pressed his hand to his wall, knowing Song Lan was sleeping inside. He bit his lip, nearly in tears. His chest hurt badly as his inexperienced body and heart didn’t know what to do with this need inside him. He curled into a ball and shivered as he imagined Song Lan’s arms around him. </p><p>He let his head rest against the wall as he trembled in the cold night. He brought a hand to his lips unconsciously, both afraid of making noise and caught up in the thought of what it might feel like to be kissed. His eyelashes fluttered as merely the thought was enough to give his body release. </p><p>Yuzhi panted softly, trying to recover from the mess of sensations inside him. He quickly hid his face between his knees in shame. What was wrong with him? He knew Song Lan didn’t love him, he probably didn’t think of Yuzhi as anything more than an unattractive and troublesome child. Yuzhi sobbed as quietly as he could, and now finally had to admit the thought he had been trying to deny: the one Song Lan had been in love with was Xiao Xingchen. And Yuzhi was only a poor imitation.</p><p>Yuzhi eventually calmed down and returned to his bed. He managed to get some sleep after exhausting himself from crying. The following day, after his morning lessons, Yuzhi posed a question to Zewu Jun.</p><p>“Zewu Jun…is there a procedure for being able to judge whether someone is a reincarnated soul of someone else?”</p><p>From initial surprise, Zewu Jun’s face soon took on a tint of pity. He offered a reassuring smile. “Why do you ask this?”</p><p>Yuzhi couldn’t hide the despair in his face as he was unable to voice the words. </p><p>Zewu Jun eventually let out a soft sigh as he made an educated guess about what might be going on. “There is a way,” he said.</p><p>Zewu Jun explained that while there were more reliable ways, the simplest was the same one the Song Lan had used accidentally when he first found Yuzhi: the familiar object test. Usually a child would be presented with objects familiar with the deceased and asked to choose between them. They were limited in that Shuanghua was the only object of Xiao Xingchen’s that remained in the world, so Zewu Jun cautioned him that that would make the test even less reliable. Yuzhi wanted to try anyway.</p><p>Zewu Jun told Yuzhi to return to his study after he finished his chores that evening. But first, he asked for Shuanghua. Yuzhi handed it over with a trace of trepidation. Yuzhi wanted to spend all the time with Song Lan that he could, but it seemed he was enjoying catching up with Wei Wuxian and Hanguang Jun anyway, so after they had dinner together and he finished his evening chores, he went back to Zewu Jun’s study that night.</p><p>When he arrived, the table that normally sat in the center of the study had been removed, and laid in rows on the floor were dozens of rectangular wooden boxes. </p><p>“Shuanghua is in one of them,” Zewu Jun told him. The Lan clan leader seemed to hesitate before his next words. “Before the test begins, I want to make sure of something. Yuzhi, I can tell how much this matters to you. Are you prepared for the consequences of either result?”</p><p>Yuzhi didn’t take much time to nod. It was a lie. He knew he was not prepared. But it didn’t matter. He had to know one way or the other. </p><p>Zewu Jun seemed to understand this too, and though he obviously had his doubts, he did not try to stop Yuzhi. “If you are certain…then take your time and make your choice. There is no rush.”</p><p>Unfortunately, Yuzhi’s heart was pounding so loudly, he had a fear that he would not be able to hear the subtle murmurs of his own soul. He gazed quickly across the rows of boxes, discerning nothing distinct about any of them. His eye would catch on one and he would be sure it was the correct one, but then another looked just as promising, and he lost all confidence. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. </p><p>“May I touch them?”</p><p>Zewu Jun nodded.</p><p>Yuzhi took another breath and slowly walked to the back of the room. He tried to put all the boxes in his sight at once and relax his gaze, seeing if it was drawn in any particular direction. He could have imagined it, but he thought he felt slightly more drawn to the right half of the room than the left. </p><p>He walked among the boxes, kneeling down beside each one and letting his hand hover over each before placing it softly down. Finally, he was sure he felt something. A warmth and a sense of deep belonging and comfort. He nodded to himself. He looked up toward Zewu Jun. </p><p>“This one.”</p><p>Zewu Jun’s expression didn’t change at first. “If you are certain, then open it.”</p><p>Yuzhi’s hand was shaking. He felt dread rising up in his chest as he realized Zewu Jun’s expression was not one of relief. He felt tears rising to his eyes as he opened the box and looked down. A shaking sigh echoed from his lips.</p><p>It was Fuxue.</p><p>He had indeed noticed that Song Lan was without Fuxue at his side earlier, but he never imagined Zewu Jun would have thought to ask him to borrow it for this. Yuzhi tucked his head into his knees and tried to hold back sobs. </p><p>Zewu Jun approached and put the real Shaunghua into his hands, even though Yuzhi still couldn’t lift his head. “Yuzhi. This result is not certain. Xiao Xingchen knew Fuxue almost as well as his own sword.”</p><p>Yuzhi couldn’t really accept this explanation. Far more likely, in his mind, was that Xiao Xingchen’s real soul had simply been far too broken to ever heal. It simply grew too tired, and dissipated into nothing on that summer night seventeen years ago. Yuzhi was merely an extremely lucky soul scooped up out of the darkness by a kind and foolish Taoist priest, who only wanted to maintain the memory of what he had lost. </p><p>He shook his head sadly. “No, Zewu Jun. I asked you to do this because I already knew the answer. I’m not Xiao Xingchen. I shouldn’t even be holding this,” he cried softly, shifting Shuanghua in his hand. Tears blurred his vision and soon he could only see spots of white and black where Shuanghua and Fuxue were. “I’m stealing someone else’s place in his heart…!”</p><p>Zewu Jun placed both hands on Yuzhi’s shoulders and held him steadily. “Whatever the case, that is not so. You must believe that he cares about you, no matter who this soul belonged to before. If anything, this test should show you that most clearly.”</p><p>Yuzhi couldn’t bear to argue with the great sect leader before him, but on the contrary, his being drawn to Fuxue only seemed to confirm how much he loved Song Lan one-sidedly. He felt worthless for allowing Song Lan to keep being considerate of him while he was living a lie. But on the other hand, how could he tell him? He had gone through so much for the sake of Xiao Xingchen. The knowledge that his soul was truly gone could only break his heart, and might even damage his soul too. What could Yuzhi possibly do? </p><p>Suddenly, another thought occurred to him. Daozhang had always said that the slow speed of Xiao Xingchen’s soul to heal made him doubt it were happening at all. But what if it had healed, and had merely found another vessel instead? Yuzhi had to admit he didn’t really know much about reincarnation, but at the very least, from everything he had heard about Xiao Xingchen, he was sure his soul would find a more worthy vessel than his. </p><p>What if the real Xiao Xingchen were out there somewhere, needing care and yearning for Song Lan even more than he did? Wouldn’t everything be settled if he found the real reincarnation, and set Song Lan free to care for him instead?</p><p>Yet more tears dripped down his face one after another even at the thought. But even though his heart was breaking, he felt at the same time a small glimmer of happiness that he might be able to return even a fraction of the care Song Lan had given him all these years. </p><p>“Zewu Jun,” he said softly. “I don’t mean this to sound ungrateful, but…I want to leave the Cloud Recesses.”</p><p>…</p><p>Song Lan eventually grew worried that Yuzhi was not returning to his room that evening. After taking a quick look around the areas he thought he might be, he saw a light still on in Zewu Jun’s study and quietly knocked on the door. </p><p>“Ah…come in,” Zewu Jun said, somewhat awkwardly.</p><p>Though thinking his reaction somewhat unusual, Song Lan bowed once before cautiously opening the door. When he crossed into the room where Zewu Jun’s voice had come from, he was shocked to see the room bizarrely strewn with identical wooden boxes, one of which was open and contained Fuxue. </p><p>Even more surprising, Zewu Jun was sitting on the ground and holding in his arms a fitfully sleeping Yuzhi. Song Lan ran to them and quickly touched Yuzhi’s face with concern, but Zewu Jun raised a hand reassuringly. </p><p>“Be at ease, Daozhang,” he said softly. “He was only a little tired after crying.”</p><p>Song Lan’s chest ached at these words. In his eyes he held the question, Why?</p><p>Zewu Jun gave a sad smile. But rather than answering, he gestured for Song Lan to take Yuzhi from him. Song Lan didn’t think as he carefully gathered Yuzhi into his arms and stood up to take him back to his room. Zewu Jun retrieved Fuxue from the box and let Song Lan take it in his hand beside Yuzhi’s knees. </p><p>The Lan clan leader sighed regretfully as he looked down toward Yuzhi’s fretful face, still streaked with tears. “I don’t think it’s anything serious, but he does need some reassurance. As we all do, he simply needs to know he has a place.”</p><p>Song Lan didn’t understand at first. He mouthed, ‘Here?’</p><p>Zewu Jun shook his head with a small chuckle. “That much he knows. Now, it will soon be nine in the evening. We should take our rest. Good evening, Daozhang Song.”</p><p>Still puzzled but concerned that Yuzhi should be in bed, Song Lan carefully bowed just a few inches to avoid jarring Yuzhi and took his leave. </p><p>After placing Yuzhi in bed, Song Lan’s heart again felt strained as his first attempt to take his hand from under Yuzhi’s neck resulted in the sleeping boy curling his body over to hold Song Lan’s hand in place. Yuzhi used to do this all the time when he was young, a habit he had apparently not grown out of. As he had back then, Song Lan helplessly sank to his knees and allowed Yuzhi to hold his hand until his sleep deepened. </p><p>Even streaked with tears as it was now, Song Lan remarked how noble Yuzhi’s face was, despite his youth. He didn’t resemble anyone Song Lan knew, but of anyone surprisingly he would have compared his looks to the Chief Cultivator, Nie Huaisang. Perhaps a bit more masculine, and yet somehow more joyful too. When Song Lan looked at this face, and he found it hard to look away, he felt his chest fill completely with warmth, and even a dull and pleasant ache.</p><p>He could not be certain how much of this feeling was inherited, as he tried his best to ignore the forbidden feelings he had held toward Xiao Xingchen. But at times like these, he was forced to remember the one time he had lost his sense of propriety around the man who had captured his soul.</p><p>...</p><p>Neither Xiao Xingchen nor Song Lan ever drank more than was necessary at social functions, which both rarely attended. But on one occasion, they had been invited to dine with the Nie sect after helping to catch that monster Xue Yang. Normally it would be the Chief Cultivator to do so, but for some reason Song Lan didn’t understand, there was some tension related to Xue Yang’s case between the Jin sect and the Nie. The result was that the Nie took Xiao Xingchen’s side and wanted to thank him. </p><p>The Nie were hearty drinkers and insisted both of them imbibe as well. While they managed to avoid getting outright drunk, Xiao Xingchen seemed to have a low tolerance and became sleepy quite early. Song Lan took the excuse to take care of him in order to leave early, though he gave Clan Leader Nie his thanks for his hospitality. </p><p>In the room that had been lent to them, Song Lan placed the sleeping Xiao Xingchen carefully in bed and tucked him in. He couldn’t resist admiring how particularly beautiful and peaceful Xiao Xingchen appeared while sleeping, with a slight tinge of rose color on his cheeks from the alcohol. Even so, he was about to turn away when he saw those long eyelashes flutter against his high, alabaster cheeks. </p><p>Xingchen’s warm gaze flicked up directly to Song Lan, and for an instant he couldn’t breathe. His heart pounded so loud he was sure its beating was visible even through his clothes. He felt pulled toward Xingchen as if invisible strings connected them, but for the moment at least, managed to resist the pull.</p><p>As if to torture him, Xingchen’s eyes softened and he gave the most angelic smile Song Lan had ever seen. He turned his head a little toward Song Lan as his eyes gradually closed and sleep seemed to take him more fully this time.</p><p>Song Lan crumpled to his knees as if he had been pierced through by a sword. He wanted to blame the drink for how bold he was to remain so close, when he knew it was wrong. But it was not just that. He had been enduring these feelings for years by now, and somehow each day Xiao Xingchen’s existence seemed to loom larger in his heart, until he felt he would be swallowed.</p><p>He cautiously raised a hand to place the softest butterfly touch against Xingchen’s cheek. His skin was so smooth and warm, Song Lan felt fearful of how much he loved him. He leaned closer, breathing the same air as Xingchen as he admired every facet of his being. His beauty was cruel, too perfect for this world. Song Lan wanted nothing more at that moment than to spend his days gazing at this beautiful sight. </p><p>But when he had only been looking for less than a minute, the desire to not simply admire Xingchen but to experience the world together with him rose up and constricted his throat almost unbearably. Was there ever a chance, in this world or any other, that they might one day walk side by side, sharing everything, even love?</p><p>Song Lan’s eyes began to sting as he wished for even one moment to believe this might be true. He drew in closer, his desire to know the touch of Xingchen’s lips almost all-consuming. At the last moment, he turned his face away and pressed a shaking kiss to the top of Xingchen’s cheek. </p><p>He withdrew almost immediately, feeling hollow and sick. He touched his own lips and hoped never to live long enough to forget the softness of Xingchen’s cheek. But he also swore never to forget the guilt of what he had just done. He went outside and ended up sleeping that night in an empty horse box. </p><p>Song Lan was struck by this memory as he looked down at this poor child he had helped to raise. Somehow he couldn’t stop the thought from wandering through his mind, ‘Is this really Xingchen?’</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Barrenwort Powder</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yuzhi's attempt to set off on his own is interrupted by an old enemy. Song Lan attempts to comfort him, struggling with his own feelings.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yuzhi woke up in the middle of the night. He remembered with a brief flush of shame crying himself to sleep in Zewu Jun’s arms when he found out that horrible news, but he couldn’t remember how he had gotten back to his room. He peeked over his shoulder toward the slim wooden screen separating his room from Song Lan’s. Though Song Lan didn’t breathe, he still had a strong presence, and Yuzhi could feel it now. Yuzhi turned away.</p><p>His fingers tightened over the fabric of his sleeve as he gathered his resolve. There was nothing really to think about. For commoners, seventeen was already old enough to be married and settled. Given that his unknown parents were almost certainly that, he couldn’t well continue imposing on the Lan any longer, when he wasn’t who they thought he was. </p><p>He rose as quietly as he could. Though he didn’t want to rely on them any further, he wouldn’t get far without a little something to go on. He gathered to him the things he would need and put them in a qiankun pouch: the entirety of the small allowance all Lan disciples were given each year, two spare sets of clothes, a handful of talismans and other spiritual items, and Shuanghua, otherwise he would have nothing to defend himself. He also stopped by the kitchens and snuck a few dried breads. He promised himself that once he was an independent cultivator, he would return and repay all his debt to the Lan. </p><p>Strangely, when he set out alone before dawn that morning, Song Yuzhi felt a sense of a weight being lifted from his shoulders. He hadn’t realized how guilty he had felt being raised by those who had no responsibility to do so. The more he grew to love them, the worse he felt about it. And finding out he wasn’t Xiao Xingchen after all had been the final thread to snap. Finally, it felt like he was doing the right thing.</p><p>However, he had only been on his own for a couple of hours when, from behind him, he heard the sound of a body falling to the ground. </p><p>He whirled to see a figure in black robes, crumpled on the side of the road and clearly in dire need of help. Yuzhi forgot his mission and without a thought followed the Lan precepts that instructed disciples never to abandon someone in need. He jogged back up the way he had come and knelt beside the person. </p><p>“Are you hurt? What’s happened?” he asked gently.</p><p>“Nh…” the figure groaned. It was a man’s voice, but the black cloak over his head shielded every identifying feature. He even wore a black glove covering his hand. </p><p>“Excuse me, I’m going to feel your qi,” Yuzhi told the man.</p><p>He slipped his fingers between the man’s glove and the edge of his sleeve and felt for signs of what was hurting him. As he did, he noticed something odd about the man’s hand. There seemed to be something under the glove, making it fit poorly over his pinky finger. Something wrong with a pinky… Somehow, that rung a bell, but Song Yuzhi couldn’t place it.</p><p>From the man’s qi, Yuzhi could tell he had many old injuries that had not healed properly. It seemed he had at one time been a powerful cultivator, as the presence of his golden core was still very strong. Unfortunately, the problem seemed to be these old injuries. In particular, Yuzhi hoped he was wrong, but it felt like this man had a hole in his heart. But he must be wrong, because he couldn’t imagine a person could survive such an injury.</p><p>“Still so kind…and still, so foolish…” the man rasped with difficulty.</p><p>“Hm? I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear-“</p><p>Suddenly, the man flipped onto his back and threw some kind of powder into the air. Yuzhi instinctively held his breath and put his sleeve over his face as fast as he could, but he had already inhaled some of the powder. He felt his consciousness fading. Was this how he was going to die?</p><p>He was still conscious but unable to move as he sank to the ground before the man, who then got up and stood over him.</p><p>“You finally came out alone. Xiao…Xing…chen.” The man pronounced each syllable of the name with an almost boyish delight, though by the sound of his voice he must have been in his forties. “I’ve been waiting so long…I know you haven’t forgotten me. We still have time to play, like the old days.”</p><p>As he leaned down to heave Yuzhi over his shoulder, the last thing he saw before his eyes went dark was a pinky finger that didn’t move with the rest of the man’s hand. A prosthetic. </p><p>Impossible. Xue…Yang?</p><p>…</p><p>Song Lan gasped awake. Some part of him was always unconsciously seeking out Yuzhi when he was near, and this morning there was no trace of him. He tried to keep calm as he got up and looked around both halves of the room, though he was certain he couldn’t feel Yuzhi’s presence anywhere nearby. </p><p>He told himself Yuzhi had probably just started his chores early. He went out to check, just as the sun was coming up and spreading brisk light over the white buildings and black rooves of the Cloud Recesses. The other Lan disciples were dutifully starting about their chores, some still rubbing sleep from their eyes. The little tufts of white fabric flitted around the complex much like Hanguang Jun’s rabbits, but no matter how long he looked, Song Lan saw no trace of black or gray among them. </p><p>He went to Zewu Jun, Hanguang Jun and even Lan Sizhui in turn, but none had seen Yuzhi this morning. Song Lan started to panic; Yuzhi had never gone missing before. Was this to do with why he had been crying the previous night? He went back to Zewu Jun to ask him more thoroughly. </p><p>Zewu Jun indeed looked worried that Yuzhi could not be found this morning, but he did not answer Song Lan’s question right away. He lapsed into concerned thought, but eventually said, “I do not think he would wish for me to tell you exactly. Only that…it is very likely that he now feels somewhat lost. We should search for him immediately.”</p><p>Song Lan nodded quickly. He bowed out of respect for Zewu Jun’s rank and his high cultivation, but inside he was furious. Even if it was protecting Yuzhi’s wishes, did Zewu Jun really have a right to keep such an important thing from his foster parent?</p><p>Song Lan quickly shook himself of this thought. He had been too absent in Song Yuzhi’s life lately for that position to still hold any weight for him. He had, through his own actions, again, made a wall between his dearest person and himself. He now had no right to expect to be considered part of his life at all. Was he going to lose him all over again, helpless to stop it?</p><p>It was torture to even wait for Zewu Jun to gather a search party and issue instructions, but Song Lan knew they would find him faster if they stayed organized. While the Lan disciples rose to the air on their swords, Song Lan used his superhuman speed and strength to run down the mountain, keeping alert for any signs of Yuzhi’s presence.</p><p>The longer they searched, the more Song Lan’s heart ached with worry. What would have made the bright and carefree Yuzhi cry like that? Did it have something to do with the way he was asking about cultivation partners the previous night? Suddenly, Song Lan’s feet slowed in spite of himself.</p><p>Was Yuzhi in love with someone?</p><p>Even though it was only resentful energy that moved his body, Song Lan felt all the strength leave his legs. He had to struggle to keep standing. It was too hard. He hadn’t even considered this possibility. Xiao Xingchen had always been an ascetic and very independent, never showing the slightest interest in romance. Or…was that more his religious devotion rather than his personality?</p><p>Yuzhi had not been raised in isolation by the mountain sage after all, but by the surprisingly romantic Lan, surrounded by beautiful people and – Song Lan hoped – a world full of possibilities open to him. He was young, good-looking, kind at talented, at the prime age for first love. There was nothing strange about it at all. As far as who the object was…</p><p>Song Lan’s jaw tightened as he had to control anger rising up through his corpse body. Crying. Feeling lost. He didn’t know what the boxes had been about, but there was only one suspicious person, and he cursed himself as he realized he had practically wished for this outcome. Zewu Jun. </p><p>If he could still breathe, he was sure he would have been close to hyperventilation with anger. He wasn’t even sure at whom. Somehow he wanted to blame Zewu Jun, even though he had no idea what had happened between them. Clearly, Zewu Jun had rejected Yuzhi somehow, which would explain him crying himself to sleep in his arms like that. How could this be? Someone so much older, and a man, when there were so many beautiful and talented people of his same age! Had Zewu Jun done something to encourage his feelings? </p><p>Song Lan closed his eyes tightly and shoved aside all these swirling negative imaginings. Only one thing mattered now and that was finding him. He shook himself with a grunt of anger and raced off into the forest again. </p><p>After almost an hour of searching, suddenly Song Lan caught a familiar scent. Sickly sweet, like medicine, yet with the texture of powdered sugar. Where did he know this scent? </p><p>He retraced his steps, walking carefully all around the spot he thought he smelled it. He got down on hands and knees to examine traces of the scent on the ground. He pressed his palm to the earth and tried to feel for leftover traces of spiritual energy. But there were only wisps. Whatever had happened here, it had not been a fight. </p><p>But as he examined the ground more closely, he could see the impression of one…no, two bodies on the ground. One had been dragged by the other. Everything about this was so familiar. A sickly sweet, powdery scent…winning a fight without using a trace of spiritual energy… His heart would have stopped if it could still beat. But no, that was impossible. He had been dead for so long. </p><p>Song Lan was no tracker, but he did his best to seek out footprints in the dirt, leading away from where he caught the scent. It actually wasn’t that difficult. There were drag marks everywhere. Whoever this person was, they had great difficulty moving around. </p><p>He realized belatedly that he should alert Zewu Jun to what he had found. He took out his liuqin to strum a call. His fingers hesitated momentarily over the strings as his mind was filled with an image of Zewu Jun holding Song Yuzhi. He heard the wood in his hand creak as he realized that without thinking he had almost snapped the neck of his instrument. He almost slapped himself. This was no time for jealousy. </p><p>He strummed out loudly, echoing through the forest. After a few moments, he heard the whistling sound of cultivators flying closer on swords. He had of course planned to wait for them, when suddenly he heard a crying voice in the distance.</p><p>“S-…ong…Lan…”</p><p>The voice was weak and sounded nothing like its usual bright and eloquent self. But there was no doubt in his heart who it was. Song Lan didn’t wait for the Lan cultivators to arrive and raced off after it. </p><p>He was confounded when he arrived in the area where he thought he heard it, but found nothing out of the ordinary. He looked around in frustration, peering at trees, the hillside, even shifting a huge boulder and looking under it, but there was no sign of anyone. </p><p>“Song…Lan…” he heard the voice again as if right behind him. </p><p>He whirled and stared at the hillside behind him. At first he couldn’t see anything special about it. But as he looked closer, there were spots of darkness where there shouldn’t be. Rather than earth, a rough canopy of tree branches and leaves was covering a veil of dark mist. He grasped at it and tore it to pieces in an instant, running into the mist without a thought. </p><p>Past the veil of mist, he realized he was in a cave. Someone had clearly been living here for a long time, as there were signs of creature comforts everywhere. It was even well lit with candles. And by that light, he saw something that made him want to explode.</p><p>There was a dark figure he barely noticed, crumpled to the ground against a single bed. But on the bed, a youthful body lay stripped almost to nothing and bound. With watery eyes, pupils dilated and hazy as if drugged, and flushed cheeks, Yuzhi sobbed quietly. </p><p>“Song…Lan…” he murmured, though from the state of him it was hard to tell if he actually recognized Song Lan or if he were only wishing.</p><p>After going through a brief surge of so much anger he almost forgot who he was, Song Lan tore off his outer robe and wrapped Yuzhi in it. He snapped the binds on his wrist with hardly an effort, and quickly gathered the delirious boy in his arms. Yuzhi sniffed lightly and rested his head against Song Lan’s shoulder, but other than that he barely reacted. </p><p>Song Lan was filled with so much anger he didn’t know what to do. But no matter what, he had to get Yuzhi out of here. </p><p>“Daozhang?” came the voice of Zewu Jun from outside. “Daozhang! Are you hurt? Where are you?”</p><p>Before going back outside, Song Lan glanced at the motionless figure crumpled against the bed. A man in his forties, seemingly missing an arm, blood on his lips and traces of delight in his frozen expression. He appeared to be dead. It was difficult to tell in the low candlelight, and age had altered his face quite a bit, but there were definitely familiar touches about him. If he was dead though, Song Lan decided, none of it mattered anymore.</p><p>He brought Yuzhi back out into the light and eased the worry of the Lan disciples who had been looking for him since he called. </p><p>“Daozhang Song,” Zewu Jun said with relief, then gasped as he saw the state of Yuzhi in his arms. “What…” he started to ask. </p><p>Song Lan nodded behind him toward the veil of mist. Zewu Jun and several of his disciples rushed inside the cave to investigate what exactly had happened. One remaining outside asked Song Lan if he needed any help. He shook his head. Quickly but as carefully as he could to avoid jarring him, Song Lan carried Yuzhi back up the mountain to get him seen to properly.</p><p>The Lan doctors were both gentle and knowledgeable. They told Song Lan, rather regretfully, that Song Yuzhi had been drugged with at least two different substances. One to limit his consciousness and movement, and another… They blushed and struggled to explain clearly, but Song Lan had noticed from carrying him what was happening at the apex of Yuzhi’s body. He felt so much anger in his chest that if he were alive he was sure he would have been choking on his own blood. But he restrained himself and nodded, sparing the doctors the need to explain. </p><p>They gave Yuzhi some fluids and a few calming herbs, but other than that they said there was nothing to do but wait for the effects to wear off. There was no danger to his life, they assured him. Song Lan nodded, and bowed gratefully to them as they left. </p><p>Yuzhi was mostly awake by now, and now and then sobbed. Song Lan quickly took his hand to reassure him. Yuzhi curled into a ball and wrapped both his arms around Song Lan’s hand. He really seemed to be suffering. </p><p>Song Lan had never regretted more not being able to speak, as he desperately wanted to give Yuzhi some comfort but couldn’t imagine how he could. Yuzhi’s eyes fluttered open and gazed at Song Lan in frustration, pain and anxiety. </p><p>Yuzhi sniffed and murmured, “Song Lan…what’s happening? I feel strange…”</p><p>Song Lan didn’t know how to explain, even if he could. All he could do was reach his other hand up and gently stroke Yuzhi’s hair, trying to soothe him. </p><p>Yuzhi at first closed his eyes gratefully at the cool and familiar touch. But then he leaned into it and took in a shuddering gasp. His hips twitched and he let out a soft moan. “S-…Song Lan…” he whispered, and clung to Song Lan’s chest in desperation. “I…I want…I don’t know…” he whimpered. “Help me…”</p><p>Song Lan closed his eyes, filled with so much guilt that he felt even colder than usual. Perhaps if he were someone like Zewu Jun, he could send Yuzhi spiritual energy and help him sleep. Or play music that would help him heal faster. As it was, he couldn’t even offer him words of comfort. </p><p>He tried to pretend there wasn’t a part of him that was happy to be wanted, even only in a time like this. He thought with Xiao Xingchen’s personality, this was probably the only time such desires would ever be acceptable for him, even if Song Lan were not the ideal object of his affection. But he also knew that taking advantage of this would be unforgivable. He tried to think if there was a way to help him feel better without giving him a shameful memory.</p><p>Though his heart ached badly with guilt even at this, Song Lan shifted himself onto the bed beside Yuzhi, over the blankets so there was still a lot of fabric in between them. He carefully turned Yuzhi to face him and wrapped him in his arms. Yuzhi trembled and gasped as the center of his body brushed against Song Lan’s hip. </p><p>“Song Lan…” he whispered, with a strange voice full of desire that Song Lan never thought he would hear from him. He rubbed his face against Song Lan’s shoulder and his fingers tightened over his chest. “Song Lan…ngh…”</p><p>Song Lan closed his eyes to try and block out the sounds and sensations of Yuzhi shifting his hips against him. He tried to tell himself this was a physiological reaction, and at Yuzhi’s age even without being drugged this amount of libido was perfectly normal. Teenagers could be attracted to anything, he told himself, this had nothing to do with him. </p><p>“Song Lan…Song Lan…!” Yuzhi’s voice became more desperate, and it was harder and harder for Song Lan to convince himself that Yuzhi wasn’t really doing this because he wanted to. </p><p>Though he would later curse himself even for so small a gesture, he couldn’t help indulging in one desire. He barely brushed his lips against Yuzhi’s hair, and his fingers tightened over his back. </p><p>But these small movements seemed to ripple down Yuzhi’s body and caused him to let out a shuddering moan. He bucked his hips several more times against Song Lan’s thigh, his legs entwined against him even with blankets separating them. He twitched there several times, his fingers tightening and loosening over Song Lan’s chest. Then finally his muscles relaxed and he became an exhausted puddle in Song Lan’s arms. Moments later, his breathing slowed and regulated, and it was clear he was deeply asleep.</p><p>Song Lan too closed his eyes, coveting the poor creature in his arms, whom he only seemed capable of hurting further. Would he ever be able to bring a small glimmer of happiness to the soul of Xiao Xingchen, or the innocent incarnation of Song Yuzhi? And how long would it be before he was able to cast aside these impure feelings, only devoting himself as a loyal friend, as he should have done from the beginning?</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Like Floods and Fire</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yuzhi has a vivid dream of being Xiao Xingchen.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Xue Yang was alive?!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed that evening, as Lan Xichen explained what had happened. </p><p>But Xichen made a face of reluctance to agree too quickly with the word usage. “…’alive’…might be overly generous. I do not know exactly what dark arts he used to keep his body moving despite his horrific injuries. Though, if I had to guess, I would say he expanded upon the theories of the Demonic Path,” he added with a significant look toward Wei Wuxian.</p><p>Wei Wuxian meanwhile was innocently tapping Chenqing against his lips as if the topic had nothing to do with him.</p><p>“At any rate, it was remarkable he lasted this many years,” Xichen continued sadly. “He must have been conserving his energy every way he could, waiting for an opportunity. By the time he finally found it, his body had reached its limit. He seems to have died before he had a chance to do any lasting harm to A-Ye.”</p><p>“That’s one good thing at least,” Wei Wuxian muttered absently. “But how did he find Xiao Xingchen’s reincarnation?”</p><p>Xichen merely shook his head with a heavy frown.</p><p>…</p><p>Since he was small, Xiao Xingchen had started to dream of lessening some of the cruelty of the world. He was from a noble family. He could have received education anywhere. He himself chose to search for – and successfully found – Baoshan Sanren. </p><p>Primarily, that was because he knew she didn’t follow the norm of cultivation clans based on blood inheritance. He became convinced, as soon as he was able to form his own golden core, that this art had very little to do with lineage, and much more to do with a combination of luck and effort. But just as blood rarely predicted personality, to Xingchen’s eyes, it also rarely dictated cultivation potential.</p><p>His theory was proven very shortly after leaving his sect in the mountains. He met a young cultivator of commoner blood, who first drew his attention, then his respect, and finally his deep affection and admiration. Even after only knowing him a short time, Song Lan fit so perfectly into his life, it was as if they were two halves of the same whole. Very soon, there was no one more important in Xingchen’s life, nor any bond he held more sacred. </p><p>But on one occasion, the nature of the bond which had grown so precious to him was tested. He had never once considered what his relationship with Song Lan was exactly. He didn’t feel it needed a name. It was important, it was good, and that was all that mattered. </p><p>They had saved a small village from quite a terrifying but in reality not particularly powerful demon. In the process, Song Lan had saved the life of a girl who was about to be eaten, snatching her from its grasp and dealing the beast a blow before carrying her to safety. She was so frightened she would not even look up from burying her head against Song Lan’s chest for some time. </p><p>The villagers invited them both to stay for dinner, and since they almost exclusively relied on alms for their food, they gratefully accepted. When it was time to leave that evening, they both exchanged deep bows of gratitude with the villagers, as in a way each had saved the other. Xiao Xingchen started to walk away, but when Song Lan turned to follow, a pair of small hands grasped his sleeve.</p><p>They both turned in surprise to see the girl from before, visibly shaking and looking up at Song Lan pleadingly. Xiao Xingchen smiled softly and said without much thought, “Zichen. I’ll be waiting.”</p><p>He nodded his head toward the entry to the main road ahead. Song Lan sighed, but he nodded too. He took the girl aside to speak privately to her. But though the two spoke softly, and Xingchen was not trying to overhear, he had always had good hearing and unintentionally overheard enough to know what they were talking about. </p><p>“…think I love you…”</p><p>A long pause.</p><p>“…I’m sorry.”</p><p>Xiao Xingchen’s breath stopped. He clutched his chest as if trying to seek out the source of sudden pain there. All of a sudden, he felt filled with sadness, but he couldn’t explain why. </p><p>What were Baixue Temple’s rules on romance? Xiao Xingchen found himself wondering for the first time. He himself had never had any interest, always feeling on some level that there was no way to find inner peace when carrying that kind of attachment. Baoshan Sanren’s teachings on the subject however were quite clear: love was just another unstoppable force of nature. It, like floods and fire, could be equally disastrous as it could be cultivated into something vital and even divine. Perhaps that stance had always made Xingchen afraid of it deep down.</p><p>Would he ever fall in love? He asked himself. Before this moment, he would have said ‘no.’ But something in the pain he was feeling now was almost addicting. Though it was certainly painful, there was a glimmer of something beautiful inside his heart. It made it difficult to catch his breath.</p><p>Song Lan caught up to him and apologized for his lateness. Xiao Xingchen would normally have brushed it off with a smile and a shake of his head. But as soon as his eyes fell on Song Lan’s face, sweet agony echoed through his chest. It felt like piercing one’s hand on thorns in order to smell a rose. He couldn’t move or speak, and yet felt deeply embarrassed. </p><p>“Xingchen?” Song Lan asked worriedly.</p><p>Xingchen quickly looked away to spare himself this feeling. He shook his head blankly and murmured, “…sorry. Let’s go.” </p><p>As they walked, Xingchen did feel afraid, he felt flickers of pain, but the larger part of him felt as if something wonderful had just happened. He felt embarrassed, somewhat anxious, but also excitement and a deep but pleasant longing. He started wondering if Song Lan were familiar with this feeling, and started to think about whether he could ask him. </p><p>The following day, Xue Yang attacked Baixue Temple.</p><p>…</p><p>Even after he died, one of the last images seared into Xiao Xingchen’s heart was the sight of Song Zichen screaming, blood flowing freely from his ruined eyes as he knelt among the broken remnants of his home. His whole sect had been murdered in his absence. All but his master, kept alive only to be tortured to death. When Xingchen found Song Lan again after their brief separation, he was delirious with pain and rage. Xingchen knew he would have lashed out at anyone. He accepted Song Lan’s rage without argument.</p><p>“You…you!!” Song Lan had already screamed himself hoarse, and his voice came out in a harsh croak. “Xiao Xingchen…you always have to be right…you can’t just let one thing go…because of you that monster murdered so many innocent people!!! Ah, god…it hurts…damn you, Xiao Xingchen…I can’t see… Rrghh, if you couldn’t just disappoint him, why couldn’t you kill him?! What is the point of your morals if they die anyway?! This perfection you try so hard to achieve is worth nothing!!! Nothing!!! Ahhh…it hurts…damn you, Xiao Xingchen…!”</p><p>Every one of his words became carved deeply into Xingchen’s heart. It didn’t matter that they were the heartsick ramblings of a soul in unbearable pain. Xingchen almost felt he could feel the blood dripping down his chest from the marks those words made. Slowly, he accepted each one. They were true. They were true…</p><p>Though he still screamed for part of the way, Xingchen numbly lifted Song Lan onto his back. He took the secret roads that he was grateful he still remembered how to find. Eventually, Song Lan cried himself tired and seemed to fall unconscious on Xingchen’s back. Though now the journey was quieter, the silence seemed likely to swallow Xingchen whole. </p><p>He did not know whether Baoshan Sanren would help them. He had already cut his ties with the sect. She never normally did such favors, no matter how well she liked her students. But by the time he reached her, Xiao Xingchen himself had cried until he felt hollow, until he felt sick to his stomach. He told her if he couldn’t help Song Lan, he didn’t want to live anymore. It was his fault, he explained. If he couldn’t do something, anything at all for Song Lan, then he didn’t deserve the meager air he breathed. In the end, despite seeming to feel great pain on his behalf herself, she agreed.</p><p>From then on, Xiao Xingchen’s world became dark. He didn’t know how Song Lan would react when he woke, but in fear that he would simply leave, he forced himself to stay awake even though he knew it would slow his own healing. Sometimes, as he sat by Song Lan’s bed, he felt warm moisture dripping down his own bandaged face. It took another disciple cautioning him to realize it was not tears, but blood. He began to be more careful, keeping a handkerchief nearby to clean his face as necessary.</p><p>Around evening the following day, and just as he felt his tiredness growing too heavy to bear, he heard stirring beside him. </p><p>“Ngh…ah…ahhhh!” Song Lan cried in pain, a rustle of fabric indicating he was grasping his face. </p><p>“Zichen…” Xiao Xingchen whispered in a dry and weak voice. “Does it hurt? Take this.”</p><p>He had asked another disciple for a vial of anesthetic pills, and he quickly gave Song Lan one. The other man swallowed hard with a few more grunts of pain before he quieted a little. But once he had, suddenly the silence crept down over both of them. Xiao Xingchen did not know what to say. He wasn’t even sure he had a right to speak to Song Lan anymore. While this was the least he could do, he knew it would not bring back Song Lan’s family or home. </p><p>Song Lan seemed to realize this too and Xingchen heard him start to sob. </p><p>“Zichen,” he whispered, though it pained him. “You must not cry. You are still healing. Your eyes will be very fragile for some time.”</p><p>“…my eyes…?” Song Lan repeated in a hoarse whisper.</p><p>Xingchen realized he had instinctively reached out to quiet him with a hand on his arm. With a stab of guilt, he slowly retracted his hand and placed it in his lap. “Yes. I brought you to Baoshan Sanren. She healed you.”</p><p>“How…you said you couldn’t go back…” Song Lan murmured, though he seemed distracted and having a hard time keeping up. Even though he had been sleeping, he sounded exhausted.</p><p>“She was very gracious to make an exception,” Xingchen said without further explanation. </p><p>Song Lan took this in for a moment in silence. Then he groaned as he slowly dragged his body up to a seated position. His breathing was heightened. Xiao Xingchen heard his hand touch his bandaged face again. His breath shuddered. </p><p>“Daozhang…even for an Immortal Sage…there is no medicine that will make eyes grow back,” Song Lan whispered.</p><p>Xiao Xingchen didn’t answer. He had no intention of telling Song Lan what he had done, but he also found it very hard to lie to him. As a long silence extended between them, his brain kept darting to and fro, trying to decide what would be the least painful for him. </p><p>Song Lan’s breath again trembled as he touched his face. “Xingchen…you can’t take eyes from the dead…”</p><p>“…no,” Xingchen murmured, realizing there was no way around it now that Song Lan had figured this much out. </p><p>“…whose eyes are these?”</p><p>Xingchen couldn’t answer. He could neither lie nor manage the few words that would inevitably break Song Lan’s heart or make him feel guilty, which he should not under any circumstances. He shivered in cold as he pictured how Song Lan must be feeling now and tried his best to soften the blow. </p><p>“You must not concern yourself with this now. We can discuss it after you are healed.”</p><p>“Discuss what?!” Song Lan screamed suddenly, nearly knocking Xingchen back with the force of his shout. “You fool, Xiao Xingchen! What have you done?! Oh…what have you done?”</p><p>Xingchen was finding it hard to breathe. Cautiously, he reached out for Song Lan with shaking hands  to try to urge him to lay back. “Zichen…” he whispered.</p><p>But as soon as his fingers made contact, Song Lan slapped them away. “Don’t touch me!” he screamed. </p><p>For a few moments after that, he was reduced to sobbing, his voice seeming to carry his soul with it as it left his body. Xiao Xingchen still felt frozen with the pain of Song Lan’s hand striking him. He had never thought he would live long enough to see the incredibly peaceful and gentle Song Zichen reduced to violence. This, among many other things at this moment, broke his heart. He could feel warmth dripping down his own cheeks.</p><p>After they sat this way in silence for almost an hour, there were rustlings of clothing that indicated Song Lan was getting shakily to his feet. </p><p>“Z-…Zichen,” Xiao Xingchen managed after two tries. His voice felt frozen. “You can’t…you must rest…”</p><p>“Don’t come near me.”</p><p>These were the last words Xiao Xingchen would hear from Song Lan’s lips. </p><p>…</p><p>Yuzhi woke with tears streaked down his face. He blinked rapidly, touching his face, fearing for a moment that he had lost his eyes. But the usual sights of his room greeted him in the early dawn light, and he sighed with relief. Still, this dream had been far too painful. More than that, it had felt real. He had never had such a realistic dream before.</p><p>He wondered for a moment why he felt slightly more cold and cramped than usual in his bed. He turned over and nearly fell out of it when he saw in whose arms he had spent the night. Song Lan’s eyes flicked open at the sound of him stirring, and Yuzhi’s breath caught. How had he never noticed before? He knew those eyes. Not because he had seen them before. They were much more familiar than that. </p><p>Song Lan turned down to look at him, and his lips parted in surprise to see Yuzhi awake. Without even attempting an explanation, he quickly slipped out of Yuzhi’s bed and knelt beside it. Only then did he fret for a moment before mouthing, “Are you all right?”</p><p>Yuzhi helplessly clung to the sheets that Song Lan had just left, even though they were cold. True, what happened last night had scared him. He had a vague memory that Song Lan did many kind things for him that night as well, but everything was a little fuzzy. But nothing scared him half as much as not knowing how Song Lan felt about him.</p><p>He curled in on himself in anticipated pain. Though horrific, the dream had briefly given him a flicker of hope that perhaps Zewu Jun was right; perhaps Xiao Xingchen simply knew Fuxue as well as his own sword, so Yuzhi had chosen it in the test. On the other hand, if the dream had really happened, if he really were Xiao Xingchen, then didn’t that mean Song Lan hated him?</p><p>He felt a comforting hand on his shoulder even as he started to cry. He blinked his eyes open with guilt. He hadn’t meant to trouble Song Lan with his feelings yet again. He quickly wiped his face as he saw Song Lan’s ashen face stricken with worry. </p><p>“I’m fine. I’m fine,” he said quickly. </p><p>Song Lan squeezed his shoulder, indicating he clearly did not look fine. Yuzhi couldn’t help chuckling a little. He loved him so much. </p><p>“Song Lan…” he murmured softly. “I’m sorry for worrying you. I…” Yuzhi stopped himself. He remembered the reason he had wanted to leave in the first place; to spare Song Lan the heartbreaking thought that he had taken care of the wrong soul all these years. But now he wasn’t even sure what was true. He felt so full of turmoil inside, but he didn’t know what to do with it. In the end, he merely brought Song Lan’s hand to his face and held it softly there. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he whispered.</p><p>When he was brave enough to glance up at Song Lan’s face, the fierce corpse seemed in torment. He further tortured Yuzhi’s boyish heart by leaning in close and pressing his forehead to Yuzhi’s in a pure and tender gesture of devotion. Yuzhi sniffed a little as he trembled and squeezed Song Lan’s fingers. </p><p>Song Lan remained with him this way, close but still kneeling on the floor, softly stroking Yuzhi’s cheek with his thumb for some time. Yuzhi didn’t grow tired of this sweet embrace for a moment, and Song Lan wouldn’t feel any fatigue in his body even from the awkward posture. But as the sun rose fully, Song Lan slowly and reluctantly broke away. </p><p>Yuzhi quickly scrambled up, taking in a breath to ask where he was going. Song Lan held up a hand to indicate he should stay still. He gestured by making a bowl with his hand and mimed bringing chopsticks to his mouth. Yuzhi was somewhat crestfallen even for him to leave for a short time. But he nodded obediently. Song Lan rewarded his obedience with one last stroke of his hair, then he was gone.</p><p>Yuzhi tucked his knees to his chest and sank his head between them. Whether or not he really was Xiao Xingchen, was this love of his doomed?</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Looming Disaster</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Yuzhi finally reveals his feelings for Song Lan, but Song Lan feels he cannot answer them. But just as his resolve wavers, an old threat thrashes in its death knell, once again tearing the two apart.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The morning sky had already reached full light when Song Lan returned with food for Yuzhi. Yuzhi claimed he had chores at this hour, but Song Lan only glared at him, and the boy quickly gave up arguing. </p><p>Yuzhi ate slowly, seeming to lose his concentration even in the middle of chewing. This would have been worrisome enough if he hadn’t needed to regain his strength from his harrowing experience. Song Lan finally lost his temper and came to stand over him like the dark wraith he was. Yuzhi recoiled slightly before he realized what he wanted. He sighed. </p><p>“I’m eating, I’m eating,” he assured Song Lan, raising his chopsticks and making another attempt at his still nearly full bowl of rice.</p><p>Song Lan eventually returned to his seat on the floor nearby, resting his hands on his knees patiently and listening to Yuzhi eat. While Yuzhi eventually did manage to finish the bowl of rice, he did not touch the remainder of the pickled vegetables. Instead he merely set his bowl down softly.</p><p>“Song Lan…”</p><p>Song Lan turned to look. He had not noticed when he arrived this time at the cloud recesses, but Yuzhi’s face was looking more and more grown up every time he saw it. Perhaps his smile had obscured it earlier. As Song Lan gazed at the one he had raised from infancy, he now looked like any handsome young man one might see walking down the street of a market town, though this one was caught up in melancholy wondering. </p><p>Yuzhi swallowed a little as if nervous, but asked softly, “…who was Xiao Xingchen to you?”</p><p>Song Lan froze. He was not prepared to hear this question from anyone, much less Yuzhi in particular. He felt suddenly like a thief who had been caught in the midst of robbing a house. Did Yuzhi somehow realize his feelings? Or was it worse than that? Had he regained his memories as Xiao Xingchen, including those horrific words Song Lan had said to him?</p><p>Even if none of these things were true, and even if he still had a tongue to speak, Song Lan’s feelings for Xiao Xingchen and Song Yuzhi both became tangled and stuck in his chest. He could barely even move. How could he possibly explain, and what good would it do Yuzhi to know? No one should ever know these feelings.</p><p>Slowly, Song Lan merely shook his head once back and forth.</p><p>When he next looked up at Yuzhi, the handsomeness of his face was broken by pain. The younger man slowly turned his gaze to the floor in despair, redness edging at his eyes. </p><p>“You think it spares my feelings to simply wonder endlessly if you hate me or not?” Yuzhi whispered.</p><p>Song Lan stared at him in shock. He lightly slapped the flat of his hand against the table before Yuzhi, wordlessly expressing how appalled he was by such a ridiculous notion. </p><p>Yuzhi sniffed pitifully. He clearly understood, but he wasn’t listening. He got up and fixed his robe as if to head outside. “Even as a child I felt what you seem to find so hard to accept, Song Lan. It doesn’t matter how close you were. No one can forget seeing their entire family murdered and having their own eyes burned away to preserve the memory perfectly. Impossible even if I were the Xiao Xingchen you knew, much less a pale imitation.”</p><p>Yuzhi hesitated before grasping Shuanghua as he headed for the door. In the end, he decided to take it. “I’ll return this as soon as I can afford to buy a new spiritual tool on my own,” he muttered softly.</p><p>Song Lan was still in a state of shock as Yuzhi opened the door, who by all appearances seemed to be determine to leave the Cloud Recesses. He hurried after him before Yuzhi could close the door and tried his best to get in his way and delay him without touching him excessively. His guilt about what he had helped Yuzhi to do the previous night was eating at him more with every second, and he couldn’t bear to touch him more than he had to. </p><p>Yuzhi only stopped when they were actually outside the grounds, standing in the soft sounds of the waterfall which marked the boundary of the protection of the Lan. He glared at Song Lan with more anger and determination than Song Lan had been aware he even possessed. But his eyes were still red with tears.</p><p>“I don’t want you,” Yuzhi whispered to avoid revealing that his voice was breaking in tears. “I’m going on my own. This is what you wanted, isn’t it? You’ve been preparing all this time just to vanish and forget I ever existed.”</p><p>Song Lan promptly forgot his guilt as he reached his limit of hearing Yuzhi’s tragic misunderstanding. He grasped him firmly by both arms. Yuzhi’s lips parted in shock, but with a shaking breath he merely looked down at the forest floor. Song Lan gently knocked his forehead against Yuzhi’s, squeezing his arms. You have never been so foolish, Song Lan tried to convey without words. I love you, whoever you are. Nothing else matters.</p><p>Yuzhi trembled in his hands and sniffed softly, but he didn’t speak for a long time. Eventually, his hands clasped the clothes over Song Lan’s chest. “All right…then if you won’t listen…I’ll tell you. Why you would have been better off letting that child you found die in the cold in the reeds. Because then…your memory of him would at least have been kept pure.”</p><p>Suddenly, Song Lan felt two long-fingered hands grasp his face and lift up his chin. A trembling, feather-soft kiss brushed against his lips. The achingly handsome young man before him barely parted from him before returning to soft sobbing. </p><p>“I love you.”</p><p>Song Lan felt as if he had been struck by lightning. Despite his body being long dead, it felt as if blood were surging through him, lighting up every withered nerve. </p><p>“And…I think I’ve loved you since long before I was born,” Yuzhi whispered with a helpless and tearful smile. But his smile quickly faded again into tortured tears. “In this life or the last one…it seems I’ve only trampled on your pure feelings. So you see…you have to let me go.”</p><p>Song Lan closed his eyes tightly, fighting through a pain that threatened to tear him apart. He half believed that Yuzhi had feelings for him. His devotion was hardly a secret. But he was a child. He didn’t know any better. And yet, if Song Lan didn’t accept his feelings, he would be allowing him to believe this nonsense that either Xiao Xingchen or he had ever done a single thing wrong. Again, he thought to himself, it didn’t matter what name by which the soul in front of him called himself. He loved him so deeply that the world came tumbling down with every tear of his that fell, while stars burst into life which each brilliant smile. </p><p>Song Lan grasped Yuzhi’s hand over his face and silently squeezed it there, unable to think of anything else to do. Yuzhi sobbed again. </p><p>“Song Lan…!” he cried softly. </p><p>And he managed to sneak another gentle kiss against Song Lan’s lips. Song Lan could barely move. Every moment he had ever longed for Xiao Xingchen seemed to come back to him at once, and sent even his corpse body to trembling. He not only failed to push him away, he cautiously returned Yuzhi’s weak and hesitant kiss.</p><p>Yuzhi seemed similarly half frozen by the extremity of feelings rushing through him. After both had indulged in the moment for far too long, Yuzhi seemed to lose his strength and slid his head down onto Song Lan’s shoulder for support. His fingers curled into Song Lan’s robes. </p><p>“Is it really impossible?” Yuzhi whispered. “Couldn’t you love me?”</p><p>Song Lan’s hands tightened over Yuzhi’s back unconsciously. He couldn’t let him think such a thing…but he also couldn’t ever lay his hands on this soul. The one he had wronged. The one by now he almost worshiped. And who in this body was still so young.</p><p>They were both too distracted to hear the sound of wooden barriers breaking, and subsequently some chaos erupting back the way they had come. Instead, Song Lan kindly stroked Yuzhi’s hair for a few moments. But then he took him by the shoulders and pushed him back. </p><p>Even though it broke his heart to pieces, and even though Yuzhi looked so innocently and expectantly at him, Song Lan simply shook his head.</p><p>Yuzhi’s face twisted in agony and he hid his face in his hands. Song Lan quickly gathered his shaking body in his arms again, hoping to provide whatever comfort a corpse could. With pity only increasing his devotion, many thoughts ran through his mind. Was he making a mistake? Was it really so bad to let them both have what they wanted? </p><p>As his resolve was wavering, shouting could be heard from back the way they had come. One familiar voice seemed to be shouting a warning. Another something far more sinister. </p><p>“Xiao Xingchen…I won’t let you…I won’t let anyone else have you!”</p><p>Song Lan caught a glimpse of the horrifically injured and near-dead threat flying down toward them, Looming Disaster clutched in his single remaining hand. Song Lan didn’t think. He whirled Yuzhi around and forcefully shoved him back, so he fell among some ferns behind them. </p><p>THUNK.</p><p>Song Lan let out an odd gurgle as black, decomposed blood was forced from his mouth. He could feel that the single strike had been fatal, even for a corpse. Looming Disaster had in one strike cut from his collarbone all the way to his heart, along the way somehow severing the yin energy that kept Song Lan’s body moving.</p><p>Yuzhi was making a face Song Lan had never seen before. He looked as if he himself had been killed. His eyes were locking on the gap of light visible from the slice straight through Song Lan’s shoulder and chest. </p><p>“Restrain him!” came Zewu Jun’s authoritative voice.</p><p>Beside him came flying down Hanguang Jun, strumming his guqin and quickly slowing down Xue Yang’s movements. Wei Wuxian appeared beside him bearing talismans, and in moments had covered Xue Yang in them. </p><p>Blood dripped softly from Song Lan’s mouth as regrets began to pile up inside him. But they all paled in comparison to knowing that Yuzhi was safe, that this time he had been able to protect him. He was able to reach out his fingers in Yuzhi’s direction with the last of his strength.</p><p>He mouthed softly, “Wait for me.”</p><p>Yuzhi made a strangled noise of anguish. And then Song Lan felt himself turn to the dust and bones he should long since have become. </p><p>…</p><p>Yuzhi was in shock. What had just happened? Song Lan had been standing there just moments ago. He was hurt. Now, why were only his clothes lying in a dusty pile on the ground? Where had he gone?</p><p>“Ha ha ha!” Xue Yang crowed. “Does it hurt, Xiao Xingchen? The man you killed yourself is finally properly dead!”</p><p>Myself? Yuzhi wondered, still finding it so hard to think, as if his brain were trapped in sap. What did that…</p><p>It occurred to him that there were parts of his sad history with Song Lan that none of his caregivers had ever thought he needed to know. But he knew from the many times he had embraced Song Lan throughout his childhood that he had a hole in his heart. The wound that killed him was a clean and precise sword wound, through and through his chest. Though he had never seen it directly, there were times Song Lan’s clothing had shifted, and Yuzhi had thought he could see glimmering silvery marks.</p><p>Like the ones made by Shuanghua.</p><p>Yuzhi clutched his head as a visceral scream rose out of him. This Xue Yang…how long would he need to torture him before he was satisfied?</p><p>Wei Wuxian seemed to realize that history was repeating itself. He quickly got down on his knees beside him and shook Yuzhi by his shoulders. “A-Ye! It’s not over. All right? Did you see what he said to you at the end?”</p><p>Yuzhi gasped. He was probably the person who understood Song Lan best in the world. He was sure he knew what he had been trying to tell him in his last moments. </p><p>‘Wait for me.’</p><p>With a shaking breath and eyes blurry with tears, Yuzhi looked hopefully toward Wei Wuxian, who nodded. “He still needs you,” Wei Wuxian whispered. “So you can’t go giving up again.”</p><p>Yuzhi breathed harshly for a moment, but instantly he felt this was true. He would have some hard times ahead of him, but he knew now that his purpose in life was to repay his great debt to the beautiful person who had saved him so many times, who had sacrificed so much for him, and whom he loved with all his heart. He did not deserve to be loved in return, he thought, and that was as it should be. All this was his karma working itself out.</p><p>Slowly, he took a shaking breath in, and let it out. He nodded with determination, and Wei Wuxian finally let him go. </p><p>Above them, though barely able to move, Xue Yang was still laughing triumphantly. Truthfully it seemed, he didn’t need to have Xiao Xingchen all to himself, as long as he could hurt him. Yuzhi got to his feet and stood before the monster that had torn he and Song Lan apart at least three times now.</p><p>“How did you find me?” he murmured softly.</p><p>“Ha ha,” Xue Yang laughed in pleasure. “You want to know? I was so proud of myself for thinking of it. I made my own Compass of Evil, although…ha ha…in your case it was a Compass of Tragedy.”</p><p>“How?” Yuzhi pressed, without openly showing any emotion at all.</p><p>“Hm? Easy. I just needed an object of yours. You’d already given me plenty, you know? You always were so generous. Ha ha. I plumbed the spiritual energy from it and reoriented a compass I already had to search for that instead of resentful energy. Didn’t even need to-“</p><p>Suddenly, Yuzhi’s hand struck at the speed of lightning. Shuanghua was already sliding back into its scabbard by the time the others around him realized what had happened. Xue Yang’s expression slowly grew slack and disappointed, and his eyes rolled up. </p><p>“-to…make…” Xue Yang kept trying to speak. But then his head wobbled sickeningly on his shoulders. </p><p>It tilted over and thudded flatly onto the earth. For a few moments, his lips still moved. His eyelids fluttered out of time with each other. Then, at last, he grew still. </p><p>Wei Wuxian sighed loudly, folding his arms and looking down at the pathetic state of the one who had caused so much torment. “It’s going to take a hundred horse carriages to carry off the resentful energy of this one,” he grumbled.</p><p>While Hanguang Jun and Zewu Jun were looking at the aftermath of Yuzhi’s rage in horror, Yuzhi quietly knelt down and began gathering all of Song Lan’s clothes, which he would need to make a compass. His hands were shaking so badly he kept dropping things. At one point, he accidentally put his hand into Song Lan’s qiankun sleeve. He felt something hard and examined it curiously. He realized it was one of Song Lan’s journals that he had written in almost every day while he was in the Cloud Recesses. With a shudder of pain, Yuzhi replaced the item in the sleeve and kept gathering the remaining objects.</p><p>He finally managed to bundle them all together and wrap both arms around them like cradling an infant. Wei Wuxian patted his shoulder reassuringly. Hanguang Jun and Zewu Jun meanwhile performed a few bars of Rest in order to ensure Xue Yang wouldn’t be getting back up again, even without his head. Lan Wangji then gathered Xue Yang’s body into two separate qiankun pouches for proper disposal later.</p><p>Wei Wuxian chuckled. “Carrying body parts in qiankun pouches. Brings back memories, doesn’t it, Lan Zhan?”</p><p>Lan Wangji’s only response to this was to stare at him, but Yuzhi might have imagined a softening of his expression. </p><p>Zewu Jun sighed heavily. “Let’s return home for now,” he said. </p><p>Wei Wuxian guided the somewhat shell-shocked Yuzhi with an arm around his shoulders, and they solemnly returned. When Yuzhi was alone again in his room, he couldn’t stop from sobbing at the thought that he had shared this space with Song Lan seemingly only moments ago. And once again, if not for his carelessness, Song Lan would still be alive. </p><p>With shaking hands, he quickly set about preparing to make his own compass. He would find Song Lan’s soul or exhaust whatever life was left within him trying, he swore to himself. He carefully and lovingly laid out each object he had gathered, trying to determine which would be the strongest tie to his soul, and which he could bear to part with. </p><p>In the process, his hands once again found one of several journals in the qiankun sleeves. Part of him knew it was wrong to read something so personal. But given that their contents might determine whether these would be suitable objects for soul searching, he decided he had to at least take a look.</p><p>He opened the oldest looking one, which had a raggedy spine as if it had been frequently opened even after it was completely filled up. He read the first few sentences.</p><p>‘Today was the Qixi Festival,’ it said. </p><p>He read on, and in moments, tears made the task impossible. He sobbed as Song Lan’s kind soul seemed to echo through the pages.</p><p>‘I never expected to find a soul that matched mine so well. We were together for such a short time, yet it changed me completely. If our souls are like the cowherd and the weaver girl, how many more nights of rain will pass before we can meet over a bridge of magpie wings?’</p><p>He closed the journal and clasped it against his face as he sobbed, unconsciously taking in the familiar scent of Song Lan’s skin. </p><p>“I’ll be the one to find you this time,” Yuzhi whispered. “And I swear…you’ll never have to feel this pain again. My soul has long since belonged to you, Song Lan. I’ll find you no matter what.”</p><p>With the help of Wei Wuxian, Yuzhi completed his compass in less than a month. Though they were tearful goodbyes this time, he finally headed out on his own as he had long intended, following the small needle which he hoped would guide him to his soul’s other half. Shuanghua at his side. Fuxue on his back.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. A Cat is a Cat</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Song Yuzhi has raised the young child he found after following his soul compass, and now the two are a famed cultivation duo. But when the young disciple expresses more than simple concern over his clan leader, history appears to repeat itself yet again.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Song Lan's new incarnation is Song Xia 宋霞 "rosy evening light," courtesy name Yiqian 伊牵 "one who leads, cowherd."</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In the rainy mountains by the sea, south of Gusu, a non-hereditary cultivation sect known as the Zhoushan Song Sect was gaining notoriety for two reasons: those reasons were named Song Yuzhi and Song Yiqian. </p><p>Yiqian had been with Yuzhi from the time he began this sect, so he was technically the most senior disciple of the Song. A sullen boy, for whom small talk was like pulling teeth. Already taller than Yuzhi, broad-shouldered and intimidating, the only time he showed his age was in his reluctance to leave Yuzhi’s side, thus when they traveled together he was often mistaken for Yuzhi’s bodyguard. But despite his appearance, toward Yuzhi at least, he only ever spoke softly. </p><p>The Zhousan Song Sect had been invited to a cultivation conference in the Cloud Recesses. Though technically he was still a junior cultivator at only seventeen, Song Yuzhi thought that it was time his protégé saw more of the world. He was starting to feel it was selfish of him to keep him secluded away in Zhousan, where his only admirers would be other disciples and seagulls. It seemed like a good opportunity for his debut into larger cultivation circles. </p><p>Unfortunately, while senior cultivators looked forward to such conferences for the intellectual pleasure, the younger ones often took such occasions as opportunities to test themselves against their peers. Yiqian’s intimidating appearance made him an appealing target for such hot-blooded youth.</p><p>“Ah, so this is one of the infamous Yinyang Masters of Zhoushan,” said just such a one, apparently from a minor sect to judge from his clothes. Somewhat thin-boned and greasy-haired, he did not seem to pose much of a threat.</p><p>Yiqian flicked a glance of mild annoyance in his direction. The young man had apparently not noticed the Song Sect Leader standing only a few steps away from Yiqian. Yiqian soon looked away, apparently hoping to be ignored.</p><p>“Hey!” said the other cultivator, not taking being ignored very well. “Did you lose your tongue? Answer me you-“</p><p>Suddenly, the tall and intimidating Song Yiqian grasped the other youth by the front of his clothes and fully lifted him in the air with only one arm. While the youth trembled in his grasp, and other nearby cultivators stared in shock at the display, Yiqian seemed to be looking expressionlessly at the ground. </p><p>Yuzhi peeked over past his shoulder, and was not surprised to see why Yiqian had acted so rashly and out of character. On the ground, exactly where the other youth had been about to step moments ago as he approached Yiqian, a pair of glimmering, azure damselflies could not move as they were in the middle of mating. Yiqian patiently waited for them to finish and gracefully take to the air before he placed the youth back on the ground and simply turned away from him again to resume his grim hovering over Yuzhi’s shoulder. </p><p>Yuzhi chuckled. “Let’s go and sit down,” he said warmly to his disciple. </p><p>Yiqian nodded.</p><p>They were greeted warmly by the current Chief Cultivator, who was technically Song Yuzhi’s senior disciple. “Chief Cultivator,” Yuzhi said with a broad smile. </p><p>Lan Sizhui, now called Cangfeng-jun, was now just a couple of years shy of fifty but barely showed his age at all. He sparkled as he smiled back to Yuzhi. “A-Ye,” he said gladly. “It’s been too long. I’m glad you look so well. Ah. And this must be the infamous Song Yiqian.”</p><p>Though no doubt it had been meant as a good-natured joke, Yiqian’s brows furrowed with concern at being called “infamous.” Yuzhi explained softly to him, “It’s a joke. He just means you’re well-known.”</p><p>Yiqian’s lips parted with surprise and he nodded in thanks for the explanation, but quickly returned to looking down at people’s feet, hoping to be left out of further conversation. </p><p>“I am very grateful to have the Zhoushan Song sect in attendance this year,” Sizhui continued toward Yuzhi, perhaps sensing Yiqian’s reluctance. “Might we expect to hear of some of your findings on hunpo theory?” he asked, referencing Yuzhi’s writings on the theory of contrasting bodily and immortal souls. </p><p>Yuzhi nodded, but his smile became a little empty. “Yes…sadly I have not reached the conclusion I was hoping for. But a conclusion is always interesting, no matter what it is.”</p><p>Sizhui returned a warm smile. “Always. Please,” he said, gesturing inside.</p><p>Yuzhi took an inner seat, beside other sect leaders, and Yiqian the one behind him as the other sects also grew settled. Sizhui called everyone to order not long after they were all seated, and in order called on each of the sect leaders to ask if they had any theories or discoveries to share. When it was Yuzhi’s turn to speak, he hesitated, feeling overly conscious of Yiqian’s gaze on his back. Now and then, he really did feel that it was Song Lan staring at him. </p><p>Nevertheless, he stood and faced his cohort. Even now at thirty-three, he still felt nervous to address other sect leaders, as he still felt he was nothing more than a fake one. But he smiled warmly at each with whom he met eyes. </p><p>“I have been exploring a theory that at least part of the soul is corporeal, and cannot be reincarnated.”</p><p>A tense silence seemed to fall over the whole conference. Song Yuzhi was now very conscious of the fact that, also present and sitting adjacent Lan Sizhui was his adoptive father, Lan Wangji. Like his son, he showed few of his sixty-five years but the odd gray hair, and subtle lines around his mouth and eyes. Those eyes now turned with a hard and unforgiving look toward Song Yuzhi.</p><p>Yuzhi did not need an explanation why these words might injure this great cultivator, whom he greatly admired. Though not present for the conference – as even in his middle age he seemed to find it impossible to sit still long enough – his husband, Wei Wuxian, would likely have been deeply hurt just by hearing these words. They implied both that Wei Wuxian was not who he thought he was, and also that Hanguang-jun did not love the man he thought he did.</p><p>Sure enough, the great Lan cultivator soon spoke up, though admirably calmly, “Explain how a soul can be corporeal.”</p><p>Yuzhi nodded, having expected this question. “It is still theoretical. I have, understandably, access to very little data.”</p><p>Lan Wangji’s eyes only hardened. “Explain,” he prompted again, which was near the limit of the amount of visible anger he ever showed.</p><p>“Yes,” Yuzhi agreed softly. “I should begin by admitting before everyone here who does not already know that, it is at least likely, my soul is the same one that once belonged to the blind cultivator Xiao Xingchen. Therefore my first case study was myself.</p><p>“Unlike cases of demonic or ghost possession, which are commonly attested-to, reincarnation is less well understood. Human beings who follow the karmic cycle properly do not seem to retain memories of their past lives. At the very least, certain types of memories.”</p><p>“Such as?” prompted the intimidating Jiang Wanyin, leader of the Jiang. Though still handsome, as he grew older, the constant furrow between his brows seemed to take on a life of its own, and he possessed an ever-present frown that frightened small children and even faint-hearted cultivators.</p><p>“Put simply, details,” Yuzhi replied. “Outside of a few legendary tales, there are no recorded cases of even verifiable reincarnated souls being able to produce dates, names, or events of their past lives.”</p><p>“…dates, names and events?” Jiang Wanyin growled dubiously. “Well what else is there to memory than that?”</p><p>Yuzhi tilted his head, holding back from saying that he in fact considered those three things actually quite arbitrary. “Two things I have found do seem to survive reincarnation. One is musical preference.”</p><p>The clouds of Lan Wangji’s forbidding expression seemed to part a little at this.</p><p>“While I myself in fact failed one simple object test in my youth, I have since found numerous tests which are more reliable. So far, of the suspected reincarnated souls I have tested, none has failed a test of musical preference. It would seem that this part of memory, or perhaps we should say of personhood, is not bound to one’s body.”</p><p>“…and the other?” asked the leader of the Ouyang clan, Sizhui’s contemporary and known as a kind and just clan leader. </p><p>Yuzhi hesitated. It hurt just to put voice to the words, for more than one reason. But he genuinely believed that this knowledge would be of help to others in the future, so he let the pain settle and lifted his head. </p><p>“…love,” he said.</p><p>Jin Rulan, leader of the Jin clan, rolled his eyes noticeably. “ ‘Love,’ ” he grumbled disdainfully.</p><p>Even as a few other clan leaders seemed to grow restless at the sentiment as well, Yuzhi nodded. “For a parent and child, one lifetime,” Yuzhi said in a clear voice, which echoed through the many great cultivators present and brought them to a tense silence again. “For lovers, two. And for comrades of war, sworn brothers, and bonds deeper even than this, there is the possibility of a connection lasting over three new incarnations of one soul into another body. In other words, souls may not remember one another, but they are drawn to those they loved before.”</p><p>Hanguang-jun gracefully closed his eyes, seeming not displeased with this. </p><p>Jiang Wanyin, on the other hand, looked greatly displeased. “…you said you were struggling to find case studies. How can you be so precise?”</p><p>“Ah. Mice.”</p><p>“Excuse me?”</p><p>Yuzhi smiled a little and began again, “The very fact that they can be turned into ghouls, just as human souls can, proves that animals are motivated by the same forces, and suggests they also have souls. I decided to try observing mice. Wild populations…sadly tend not to live more than a year. I did try isolating them from predators, but even so the limit seems to be three to four years. This did mean that I had numerous data sets to draw from.”</p><p>Many older cultivators were already balking at the idea, mumbling about being compared to mice. But Ouyang Zizhen’s eyes brightened. “So you tested them?”</p><p>Yuzhi nodded. “Over the last…yes, ten years now, I have observed both wild and captive mice populations, noting their dates of death and the dates of new births, performing music preference tests and using these to track multiple reincarnated souls and their relationships. But…as mice cannot provide details even if they wish to, my theory is still just that.”</p><p>The Ouyang clan leader considered. “Hm. But it is true that apart from a few…” he glanced nervously up toward Hanguang-jun, “…outliers…stories of souls retaining memories from past lives is so rare as to be nonexistent.”</p><p>Jin Rulan glared at him. “I don’t know about you, Zizhen, but I’m no mouse.”</p><p>“Of course,” Yuzhi said with a respectful bob of his head. “As I said, it is only a theory.”</p><p>“What makes you believe that part of the soul is corporeal?” This question came from Hanguang-jun.</p><p>“Well…that is the question,” Yuzhi said, as a very unpleasant memory surfaced in his mind of a sweet scent and a prosthetic finger. “In fact, it is not only details that fail to be reincarnated. But also some things we would expect. Like trauma. Ghosts are clearly those that have failed to follow the karmic cycle, thus their resentment lingers. The same is true of fierce corpses, who – unlike reincarnated souls – are able to retain some memories, if only for the sake of seeking revenge. But even when reincarnated souls encounter the exact trauma they suffered in their previous life, they show no sign of unusual fear. In other words, a cat remains just a cat, and not an object of revenge or terror.”</p><p>Hanguang-jun’s face as his eyes slowly turned toward the ground was not a pleasant one, but remained difficult to read. After a few moments of thought, he rose and left the room without a word. </p><p>None of the other cultivation sects seemed altogether pleased with Yuzhi’s findings either. After all, whether or not they found the topic interesting on an intellectual level, the thought that part of the soul was housed in the body, and therefore died with it, was simply unpleasant to imagine. Yuzhi knew this better than almost anyone.</p><p>That night, Yiqian joined him in his room as he often did for tea and (mostly one-sided) conversation. But even for Yiqian, this evening Yuzhi’s companion seemed unusually terse. Once, after Yuzhi asked him a direct question and he merely remained silently staring at the table between them, he looked up at him with worry.</p><p>“A-Qian?” he asked gently.</p><p>But for a moment, Yiqian’s brows drew only further together. At length, his lips reluctantly parted, “Clan Leader…” he said in his low, gentle voice, which even Yuzhi heard so rarely it was always like an unexpected gift. “…the topic today…”</p><p>Yuzhi swallowed with nervousness, he did not even know from what. He was about to realize, though. “What about it?”</p><p>Yiqian reluctantly met his gaze. His gentle eyes made him appear to be the one in pain, even as he said, “It looked as if it was painful for you to speak of it. Why do you study it?”</p><p>Yuzhi closed his eyes as the decades of his life, all of which had now centered around this relatively small existence in front of him, rolled over him in waves. He realized he was a fool for not sensing the danger in this topic. He suddenly felt he understood Song Lan’s desire to keep his own past from him very well.</p><p>The fact was, despite having raised him, Yuzhi had never once told Song Yiqian why he had done so.</p><p>“Haven’t I said?” he asked with an innocent smile. “Xiao Xingchen was a fascinating person, by all accounts. He lived a painful life, one I’m grateful not to remember. I find it interesting, that’s all.”</p><p>Yiqian’s frown clearly told him he didn’t believe a word of this. But the boy had always been too polite to call his superiors out for lying. He took a drink of tea as he considered. “If the work itself is painful, I could do that for you,” he offered.</p><p>“Ha ha. Painful? It isn’t, it isn’t. Don’t worry so much, young man.”</p><p>Yiqian’s frown deepened again. “…you never let me take care of you.”</p><p>Yuzhi blinked at the phrasing. His chest felt tight. Something about it struck him as odd, but he couldn’t put his finger on it. “Of course not,” he said with a questioning look. “You’re my disciple. It should be the other way around, shouldn’t it?”</p><p>“Hmph,” Yiqian huffed in disapproval. “Clan Leader…I respect your intelligence and cultivation. I am grateful to you. For everything. But you do some deeply naïve things.”</p><p>“Eh…do I?”</p><p>Yiqian frowned hard at him, real anger rising up through the frustration. After glaring at Yuzhi for a moment, he closed his eyes tightly to control it with a deep breath. “…keeping things from me…because you think it will protect me. Shouldering everything on yourself. Even Song Lan did not raise you alone.”</p><p>Yuzhi was first touched by Yiqian’s care and deep understanding of what he had been through. But at the mention of Song Lan he suddenly felt as if ice cold water had run down his back. “You’re worrying too much,” he said quickly. “Let’s talk about something else. Or go to bed. Aren’t you tired?”</p><p>He started to get up when the quiet and gentle boy grasped his wrist in his much larger hand. He looked hard up at him, leaving no room at all for lies between them. </p><p>“…have you remembered?” he asked softly.</p><p>Yuzhi felt as if he had been struck. It was a terrible, yet somehow inescapably exciting sensation. Of course, since he had never even met Song Lan until years after he had become mute, he had no idea what his voice or speaking style sounded like. Why did he have the strong sense, in those few short words of the young man he had raised, that it was Song Lan asking him that question?</p><p>“…let go,” he said, softly but firmly. Yuzhi was not a strict clan leader by any means, but a boundary – once set – was final. He did not know why, but he could not bear to be touched by this dearest person to him at this moment.</p><p>Yiqian’s eyes showed a flicker of pain at being told to let go. He reluctantly did so. But as Yuzhi moved toward the dividing screen between their two rooms, the huge young man stepped in his way. The movement had not been threatening in any way, but if Yiqian was not careful, he could not help threatening people merely with his presence, as he was doing now.</p><p>“How long must I wait?” he asked, almost under his breath. There was still soft anger in his eyes, but also deep pain and loneliness that one so young should not yet know.</p><p>“…what?” Yuzhi whispered. </p><p>Yiqian closed his eyes as if holding back tears. His hands opened as if he would grasp Yuzhi in his arms, but he held himself back. </p><p>“I will do as you say. But I cannot pretend not to know any longer.” He opened his eyes to gaze in anguish into Yuzhi’s. And yet deep within the pain, among the frustration, there was warmth. There was love in his eyes. “Song Yuzhi…Xiao Xingchen…I know so little in this world, but of these I am certain. I am the man whose life is only meant to protect yours. And there is no one else I will ever love.”</p><p>Yuzhi’s breath froze in his lungs. He couldn’t be hearing this. It was altogether wrong. Had he misheard? Was he dreaming? Yiqian couldn’t say these things. </p><p>While he was still in a quagmire of doubt and confusion, his heart threatening to crack his chest open, he could barely react as Yiqian’s long fingers gently gathered his face in his hands. The young man he had raised tilted Yuzhi’s face upward toward his own. He gazed at him in fascination as if in wonder at his very existence. His thumb stroked Yuzhi’s cheek, his eyes hovering over each discreet feature as if blessing each of them in turn.</p><p>No… </p><p>Yuzhi’s breath only returned in a shocked gasp as Yiqian’s face drew closer to his own. His dark, gentle eyes fluttered closed. Yuzhi’s body lit up with unbidden sensations of heat and excitement as he felt Yiqian’s breath on his lips. And then the soft skin touched. Yiqian’s lips did not even press against his own at first, but trembled against them. Then a brief, entreating kiss. He drew away almost immediately. </p><p>“…Clan Leader…” he whispered, instantly drawing Yuzhi from his reverie.</p><p>Yuzhi felt as if he might be sick. Instead, he took a step back.</p><p>And then Yuzhi slapped the boy he had raised across his face with an echoing strike. It was a body he had never once struck, and one that was now shaken to its core by this fact. Yiqian could barely move for several, tense seconds. Then he raised a shaking hand to touch the red mark quickly forming on his cheek.</p><p>“Get out.”</p><p>Yiqian’s face shattered. He looked much more hurt by these softly spoken words than by the slap itself. His eyelashes fluttered as his eyes grew red and dewdrops formed on his lashes. He stumbled from the room, and Yuzhi heard him collapse in a heap and sob softly outside, finally seeming to act his age.</p><p>Meanwhile, Yuzhi himself raised shaking fingers to his own lips, as if they had been burned. This was never meant to happen. He didn’t even understand most of what his most loyal disciple, the one Yuzhi had nearly given up his life for, had just said. What should he do?</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. White Bone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Song Yiqian regrets his actions and talks it over with Wei Wuxian. As he wonders how to make up for them, a demon attacks the Cloud Recesses, and Yiqian (Song Lan) does everything he can to protect Yuzhi (Xiao Xingchen). </p><p>Sorry for the short and cliffhanger chapter, but the happy ending is coming soon, I promise!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Song Yiqian had grown up knowing only two things for certain: that he loved the man he knew as Song Yuzhi with all his heart, and that protecting him was his only purpose. His own feelings beyond that, of desiring him the way one desires a lover, felt like a betrayal of everything he himself held most dear. </p><p>At age thirteen, he began having strange dreams about a life that was not his own. Places he had never been and people he had never met. In these dreams, he was a Taoist priest. One personal tragedy after another befell him, but through them all he silently followed after a divine creature. It was difficult to describe what the existence of this person meant to him: a brother, a mentor, an ideal, all words that occurred to him came up short. The fact was, he was his whole world.</p><p>By the time Yiqian was sixteen, the dreams had reached a conclusion. He betrayed and abandoned the divine creature. They both died alone and thinking the other hated them. While Yuzhi had told his disciple of his own soul’s past, he had never mentioned Yiqian’s. But together with these dreams, Yiqian was able to put most of the pieces together.</p><p>Currently, he sat in deep and penetrating despair as he sobbed and recalled the look on his clan leader’s face after he had stolen a kiss from him. He felt he had never done anything worse than this in his current life, yet even though he deserved to be hated, the thought of Yuzhi’s hatred tore through him like a knife. He felt worthless.</p><p>At that moment, a pair of black boots stopped before him. He looked up to see a good-looking middle-aged man dressed in black and red, smirking curiously down at him. “What’s such a handsome boy got to cry about I wonder?” said the man.</p><p>Yiqian sniffed, but felt so low that he did not even bother wiping away his tears. He couldn’t answer. </p><p>The man sighed a little, but wordlessly sat down next to him. He leaned back casually for some time, kicking his legs absently without speaking. At length he said, “I’m called Wei Ying. How about you?”</p><p>“…Song Xia.”</p><p>“Song?” asked Wei Ying with fascination. “Ahhh, now it makes sense. I see, I see. So, Song Xia. Did you get disciplined by your clan leader?”</p><p>Yiqian’s expression slowly twisted into one of utter misery. He curled up into himself, hiding his face in his knees. “…I’ll be expelled from the clan…” he murmured in despair.</p><p>“Whoa now, I’m sure that’s not true,” Wei Ying comforted him, rubbing his back even though they had just met. Yiqian normally hated to be touched by strangers, but this person didn’t seem like one somehow. “Song Yuzhi has a glass heart, but he doesn’t abandon people. You in particular, he’d walk through fire rather than part from, I’m sure.”</p><p>Yiqian sniffed and looked up at him in surprise. </p><p>Wei Ying blinked at his understandable confusion, laughed awkwardly, and then looked down with a wistful smile. “Yeah. Understandable he might not have mentioned me, but I used to change that kid’s diapers, you know? Well, anyway. I know him better than most, that’s all I mean. The one thing Song Yuzhi was all about when he was a kid was his Daozhang, Song Lan. And now, from what I hear, the one thing he’s all about is his adopted kid, Song Yiqian. Which I take to be your courtesy name. Hm?”</p><p>Yiqian slowly lowered his head, unable to contradict anything this man had said, who he now realized was the Yiling Patriach, Wei Wuxian. But even if Yuzhi had ever been so devoted to him before now, which Yiqian doubted anyway, he might have ruined it all in a moment of indiscretion. </p><p>Wei Wuxian continued looking at Yiqian with increasing interest. Softly, almost as if coaxing a cat, he asked, “Song Lan?”</p><p>Yiqian briefly glanced at him, unable to stop himself from responding to the name he had heard in his dreams. But he quickly looked away. </p><p>Wei Wuxian sighed. “You poor thing. You’ve got your memory back,” he guessed sadly. “And Xiao Xingchen doesn’t?”</p><p>Yiqian’s vision became blurry with tears. He shook his head. </p><p>A heavy sigh from the older man. He wrapped an arm around Yiqian’s shoulders and rubbed his arm as one would comfort a child who had fallen while playing. “You’re a good one, Song Lan. Sorry, Song Xia. Everything will be okay, I’m certain of it. Don’t look so sad.”</p><p>“Master Wei,” Yiqian said, in a slightly different voice than his usual one, which sometimes came out of its own accord. He closed his eyes to hold back a wave of sadness at many years of suffering alone. “I only want to help him. I couldn’t do that by his side. I couldn’t do that by running away from him. What else is there?”</p><p>Wei Wuxian scoffed, but his smile was joyous. “Little rabbit,” he teased, ruffling his hair. “Don’t worry so much. It took me sixteen years to even realize I was in love. Xiao Xingchen is just a little dopey, but he’ll get it eventually if you’re patient.”</p><p>Yiqian quickly shook his head, blushing. “I…I didn’t mean…”</p><p>“Aw, you can’t fool me. Come on, I know you-“</p><p>“Don’t touch him!” came an unfamiliar bellow. </p><p>Both men looked up in shock as Song Yuzhi, who must have emerged at the sound of them talking, grasped Wei Wuxian’s wrist and yanked him away from Yiqian. His face paled when he realized who he had grabbed. </p><p>“M-…Master Wei…” he murmured, slowly releasing him. </p><p>“Ow ow ow ow!” Wei Wuxian complained dramatically, even after he had let go. “That’s what you get being raised by the Lan I suppose. Freakish arm strength.”</p><p>“I…I’m sorry, I thought…”</p><p>“Hm?” Wei Wuxian prodded with a tilt of his head. “What? You thought the old dog was making a move on your little puppy?”</p><p>Yuzhi flushed and sighed irritably. “Of course not. I thought you might be bullying him. It’s not an infrequent occurrence.”</p><p>“And now that you know he was just being comforted by his old uncle Wei? Does he get his inside privileges back?” Wei Wuxian asked with a glint in his eye.</p><p>Yiqian’s chest felt tight. He was afraid to look up at Yuzhi’s face to see how angry he must still be. Or even worse, disgusted. He didn’t want to make it worse by seeming to be asking for forgiveness when he didn’t deserve it. He kept his gaze down.</p><p>He missed, therefore, the range of emotions that briefly passed over Yuzhi’s face as he stared down at one of the men who had raised him, and then cautiously glanced at the one he had raised himself. When he finally looked away from both of them, only empty sadness was left in his shapely face. </p><p>“He could use a night on his own to reflect on his actions.”</p><p>Yiqian again felt a stab of pain at Yuzhi’s anger, but equally a flicker of hope at the words “a night.” It sounded like he might still have a chance to stay by Yuzhi’s side, which was, after all, the only way he felt he could live.</p><p>Yuzhi turned and went back inside his rooms without another word, even to apologize to Wei Wuxian for his rudeness. He must have been very upset, Yiqian thought, his head sinking even further. Wei Wuxian chuckled a little and patted his shoulder, reassuring him once again before he left that there was nothing to worry about. Yuzhi wouldn’t be so angry if he didn’t care, he said. Yiqian wanted to believe him, but he also felt somehow that Yuzhi caring and feeling betrayed made what he’d done even worse.</p><p>He probably should have asked a member of the Lan for a proper place he could sleep, but he felt too guilty to bother anyone, so he simply stayed where he was as the sky began to grow dark, and the air took on the crisp, watery scent of night. He was just starting to shiver as he tried to sleep with his head tucked into his knees when a loud noise from not too far off woke him completely. </p><p>In moments, there were soft shouts and a flurry of white clothing as the Lan disciples went into action. Yiqian got to his feet to join them, but momentarily held back, glancing toward the door of Yuzhi’s rooms. If there was danger, he thought, he must stay here. </p><p>He heard a gruesome wail, and soon the scent of blood was in the air. His stomach twisted. He told himself Yuzhi would be fine if he stayed asleep inside his room, since all the buildings in the Cloud Recesses contained protective spells in the lintels. He simply couldn’t bear the guilt if he stayed here to selfishly protect the one he cared about while others might be dying. Yiqian took off at a run toward the sounds of the disturbance.</p><p>A chattering figure, easily eight feet in height, was blindly grasping at anyone who got near, crawling along the ground and making eerie, rasping noises. Two Lan disciples lay clearly wounded and unmoving nearby, while the others kept a wary distance and attempted to prevent the creature from escaping. But as much as it looked white and skeletal from a distance, Yiqian recoiled as its head turned to reveal an eyeless skull, with only bits of hair and flesh clinging in odd places. A White Bone Spirit. </p><p>Yiqian at first tried to listen to what the Lan disciples were planning so he didn’t inadvertently get in their way. But they all seemed to be waiting for the arrival of the Chief Cultivator. Yiqian glanced around and realized from the looks on their faces and how standoffish they were that he might well be the most experienced cultivator here. But even in his previous life, he had no experience leading a fight. He hesitated for too long in making a decision, and when one of the disciples was distracted, the White Bone Spirit shot past him and headed toward the sleeping areas of the other clan leaders. </p><p>Yiqian immediately drew Fuxue and flew after the creature. While in the air above it, he drew a talisman and flung it to land on the White Bone’s back. There was a snap of energy, but the creature continued as if it had felt nothing. In spite of its ghoulish appearance, it was powerful. </p><p>He landed behind it and sent Fuxue through the air in an attempt to maim it, removing an arm. His sword bounced off the bone as if it were made of wood. How hard were its bones? And how could he break them? </p><p>He leapt in closer to grab Fuxue’s hilt, and this time faced the creature head-on and dealt powerful blows repeatedly to its head. The creature rasped and swiped blindly at him, forcing him to dodge and regroup over and over. </p><p>“It’s so powerful!”</p><p>“How did it get in?” </p><p>The disciples seemed on the contrary even more concerned after Yiqian had started fighting it. He understood. He was feeling nervous himself after realizing how hard its body was. He also shared their concern that such a powerful demon should never have been able to breech the wards around the Cloud Recesses. </p><p>“Clan Leader Song, stop! Stay inside!”</p><p>Yiqian’s heart stopped. He whirled in horror to see Yuzhi standing in his doorway, the White Bone’s skeletal arm reaching out wildly in his direction. Yiqian didn’t think. He flew on Fuxue as fast as he could and tackled Yuzhi to the ground, shielding him with his whole body. </p><p>He hoped his arms around his back spared Yuzhi the pain of the fall. But that was his last conscious thought for a while. He felt warmth running down his back. A sense that it was hard to breathe. But surprisingly he didn’t feel pain, or even register the fact that he was injured. </p><p>As he heard Yuzhi’s soft voice say his name in a shaking whisper in his ear, there was more shouting and finally relieved cries of Lan Sizhui’s name. But all Yiqian could care about at that moment was the soft sound of Yuzhi beginning to cry. </p><p>“Yiqian…I’m sorry…oh no, please!” Yuzhi sobbed, holding him with shaking hands.</p><p>As his consciousness slipped away, Yiqian’s only brief thought was a warm feeling of happiness to be held in Song Yuzhi’s arms.</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Dappled Sun and Rain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>As Yiqian recovers, Yuzhi has a dream of being together with Song Lan, in which he realizes something vital about the man he loves.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yiqian woke in a serene room filled with light and softly fluttering fabric. A soft ting of a wind chime. The smell of sandalwood and incense. He was not familiar with the atmosphere of the Cloud Recesses yet, so he remained unsure for some time after he woke whether he had actually ascended to heaven this time. He had a brief thought that it was about time. He sighed softly, closing his eyes again.</p><p>“Yiqian…” a soft, worried voice from his side. </p><p>He had sensed the familiar presence of his master beside him, but in his shame he half hoped he was either dead or dreaming, so he responded as if he were. He turned slightly toward the gentle and righteous man that filled almost his every waking hour of thought, affectionately observing his nervously clasped hands. </p><p>“I’m sorry,” Yiqian whispered softly.</p><p>Yuzhi sighed bitterly. “Don’t apologize to me right now. I’m too worried and angry and don’t need any more guilt.” He shook his head again, pressing his fingertips to the crease between his brows. “I’m the one who was wrong. It was a childish mistake. I’m the adult, I should never have hit you.”</p><p>Yiqian closed his eyes as they started to sting, hoping he would not start to cry and make Song Yuzhi feel worse. “I didn’t meant that.”</p><p>“…what then?”</p><p>Yiqian could not stop his face from twisting in agony. “What I said to you…after you saved me.”</p><p>Yuzhi paused, seeming uncertain. “You were tiny. I don’t even remember you saying anything then. How can you remember that?”</p><p>“Baixue Temple,” Yiqian said softly.</p><p>Yuzhi reacted as if he had been slapped himself. He gazed down at Yiqian with wide, terrified eyes. </p><p>Finally, several tears fell across Yiqian’s nose and down his cheek as his past pain merged with his present. As he suspected, Xiao Xingchen had not remembered. Which likely meant that he never would. Would this be eternity for him, then? Following each reincarnation of Xiao Xingchen as he grew more and more distant from the man he once knew, or anyone who might have known or cared about him?</p><p>Yiqian knew he should probably stay silent. Telling him would not change the fact that all that had happened would be just a story for him, for Yuzhi it would not be real. He could not feel what Song Lan had felt, or what Yiqian did now. But in his weakened state, the long held back words began to emerge from him like a long frozen river beginning to thaw.</p><p>“Each passing day, I wished to take it all back. I never believed it was your fault, not even for a moment.” Yiqian sniffed and sobbed bitterly. “In a moment of pain…I betrayed every ideal that I ever loved about you. I denied you. Blamed you. And when I discovered what you had done for me, someone who never deserved your attention to begin with…I cast my self-hatred onto you instead.”</p><p>He slowly opened his eyes, blurred with tears and unable to discern Yuzhi’s expression as he heard what must sound to him like incoherent ramblings. Realizing that Yuzhi probably had no idea what he was talking about allowed Yiqian to reflect a little and take a breath to calm down. </p><p>“It was all my fault,” he added softly. “For loving you, for trying to stay by your side in spite of it. My selfishness killed you once, and hurt you so many times after that. I only wanted to tell you once, before you cut ties with me. Xiao Xingchen, Song Yuzhi…I’m sorry.”</p><p>His injuries from the White Bone Spirit were more serious than he realized, and the Lan medicine to heal him was quite strong, so his consciousness was already fading by the time he finished speaking. But as his mind grew hazy, he thought he felt a soft and trembling touch against his cheek. </p><p>“Song Lan…?” came Yuzhi’s voice, cracking slightly with emotion. And moments later, a soft sob. A gentle thumb brushed the hair from his forehead. “Just don’t leave me again. That’s all I ask. Just rest now.”</p><p>…</p><p>While Yiqian slept and slowly recovered, Yuzhi slept only a few minutes at a time as he waited by his bedside, haunted by images of both Song Lan and Song Yiqian being violently stabbed in the back while trying to protect him. He was terrified somehow that this time he would lose him for good. But in the hazy consciousness of one of those moments, he had a very strange, but very pleasant, dream.</p><p>He woke to the pleasant sensation of someone softly stroking his hair. He took in a breath to savor the feeling, leaning unconsciously toward the familiar presence. He eventually flicked his eyes open to see a sunny field under the dappled shade of a tree, where he and the one he loved lay side by side, enjoying each other’s company.</p><p>He looked up to Song Lan’s face, and its subtle but achingly sweet expression. As usual, he said nothing. He didn’t even quite smile, but only continued lovingly caressing Xingchen’s hair. Xingchen smiled. It was odd, but Song Lan’s difficulty expressing his emotions, his slight social awkwardness, was one of the things Xingchen loved most about him. It seemed like a rare mountain flower which only Xingchen was able to reach in order to appreciate it.</p><p>“I didn’t mean to wake you,” Song Lan told him eventually, in a voice even more gentle than the one Xiao Xingchen remembered. “You can sleep a little longer. We’re in no hurry.”</p><p>If it had not been a dream, Xingchen would have asked where they were, or where they were going. But he was so happy to be here beside him, such things didn’t concern him in the slightest. For a time he did close his eyes again, feeling the sun intermittently brushing across his skin, the light breeze on his face, the smell of grass and the sounds of birds, and enjoying every subtle and adoring caress of Song Lan’s fingers. </p><p>After a time, he asked Song Lan, “You don’t get bored doing that?”</p><p>“…should I stop?”</p><p>Xingchen chuckled softly and held Song Lan’s hand against his face. “I only asked because I feel like a persistent cat. I would happily lie here in the sun all day being petted.”</p><p>“I love you,” Song Lan said quite naturally, almost as if the words were pulled out of him by the gentle breeze that touched them. </p><p>Xingchen felt his eyes sting slightly and rubbed his cheek affectionately against Song Lan’s hand. “I finally know what that means.” He looked up at Song Lan longingly. “And now that I do…I love you so much it sometimes pains me.”</p><p>Song Lan looked pained himself. He slowly leaned in closer and placed a kiss on Xingchen’s hair. “You don’t have to. Knowing you exist is enough.”</p><p>Xingchen looked up at him in surprise, the blissful scene around them suddenly turning cloudy and soft drops of rain falling around them. </p><p>“No…I thought you knew how I felt,” Xingchen said, feeling afraid. “You want to be with me, don’t you? That’s why we’re here together now.”</p><p>Song Lan’s eyes slowly dropped. He seemed torn between two equally painful options, and did not respond for some time. But then what he did was shake his head. “I can’t,” he said. “Because I can’t forgive myself. It was despair over my actions that killed you. There’s no forgiveness for that.”</p><p>The rain gathered in intensity, dripping down in heavy drops that beat hard into the earth around them and soaked into Xingchen’s pure white clothes, turning them a dull and heavy gray. He sat up abruptly to look down hard at Song Lan. </p><p>“No…that’s not it. Zichen…” Xingchen covered his face in his hands and sobbed. “Is that what you thought…? Oh, what have I done?”</p><p>The sound of rain became louder and louder, the droplets hitting hard against Xingchen’s back. He thought he heard Song Lan calling him, but his voice became more and more distant, unable to carry through the rain. </p><p>…</p><p>Yuzhi gasped and sat up abruptly. His neck and back ached from the awkward position he had found sleeping in a seated position with his arms propped up on Yiqian’s bed. Even though Yiqian was still asleep, he quickly turned away in shame and hid his face. </p><p>He hadn’t remembered everything. In fact, most dreams of his previous life faded soon after he woke. But he had filled in the gaps by hearsay concerning the lives of Xiao Xingchen and Song Lan. He finally understood Song Lan’s reluctance to be a part of Yuzhi’s life from the time he was young. All this time, he had blamed himself for Xiao Xingchen’s death. Indeed, for everything leading up to it. Even though he knew it was just a dream and not the real Song Lan he had been talking to, everything finally made sense now, and he simply couldn’t deny the truth of it.</p><p>Nor could he deny, he thought as he wiped away painful tears that fell seemingly for no reason, how blissfully happy he had been at the thought of loving Song Lan, and being loved in return. The happiness was so great that now, lacking it again, felt like being pulled in from a storm only to be tossed out into the vast ocean, all alone. He sniffed softly to the silence of the room with no other waking presence but his own. </p><p>Then, a soft stirring on the bed above him. He looked up worriedly to see that Yiqian had pushed himself up to his elbows and was blinking sleep from his eyes. Seemingly still sleepy, he reached out and wiped away Yuzhi’s tears, then gently stroked his hair. </p><p>“I didn’t leave,” he murmured sleepily. “I won’t leave. Don’t cry.”</p><p>But Yuzhi only sobbed harder at his tender attentions. He leaned against the bed almost as if praying, even as Yiqian continued stroking his hair comfortingly. Eventually he managed to murmur, “You’re still only a child. You have to let me take care of you, not the other way around.”</p><p>His eyes still heavy with sleep, Yiqian thought for a moment but then only said, “I’m all right.”</p><p>Yuzhi shook his head. “I don’t just mean this injury.” He was about to berate him for constantly putting himself in danger, hiding his feelings and putting up a strong front, trying to avoid making any trouble for Yuzhi. He bit his lip as he fought the urge to cry again as he pictured Yiqian’s face after he rejected him. He leaned his head against the bed in despair. </p><p>“You don’t understand how precious you are. I couldn’t just sully you,” he whispered. “I had to say no. I had to protect you. It’s the only thing that matters.”</p><p>If Yiqian had any opinion about these words, or if he were even still awake, he gave no sign. </p><p>Yuzhi sniffed and grasped his arm softly. “I just had a dream. I think my past self…I think there is something Xiao Xingchen wants to say to you. To Song Lan. Are you listening, A-Qian?”</p><p>Yiqian opened his eyes more fully and nodded.</p><p>“It wasn’t your fault. None of it. Everything Xiao Xingchen…every I did was my choice. I did it because…because…” He blinked as his vision became blurred with tears. “I couldn’t stand the thought of living in a world without you.”</p><p>And then, as if an echo from his dream had come to life, Yiqian murmured softly, “…I love you.”</p><p>Yuzhi squeezed his arm tighter as he fought the desire to surround this precious person in his arms. “Yiqian,” he said in a weak voice. “I sometimes feel you are like…a mirror pool. From almost every angle, you reveal nothing but the sky. But if one looks closely, there is a universe of beauty inside you. I…died once without putting these feelings into words. I don’t want to do it again. Can you forgive me if I say I love you too?”</p><p>Yiqian didn’t respond in words. He still didn’t seem fully awake, but tears were falling one after another down his cheeks. In answer, he pulled Yuzhi up to his knees and embraced him like clinging to a tree in a storm. Yuzhi shuddered with a sob and carefully returned his embrace, trying to avoid his injuries. They remained this way until Yiqian fell back asleep, and Yuzhi knelt again beside his bed, gently stroking his hair.</p><p>As Yiqian recovered in the safety of the Cloud Recesses, remaining there long after the conference had finished, the two were hardly ever apart. They still interacted as they had before, Yuzhi doing most of the talking, occasionally teasing Yiqian and now and then discussing broader issues of philosophy or cultivation. But anyone could see, there was a definite change in the atmosphere between them; almost as if they were the only two people in the world.</p><p>One evening, Wei Wuxian was on his way to trouble Lan Zhan as usual when, on a walkway in the distance, he spotted the two walking side by side. Yuzhi in his usual dark gray, with his pure white sword, Shuanghua. Yiqian in glimmering white, carrying the dark Fuxue. For a moment, in the low light of sunset, their sword glare shone out strongly, and he almost thought he saw two different silhouettes in their place. The glimmering white of Xiao Xingchen, the subdued dark gray of Song Lan. </p><p>Wei Wuxian smiled. He hummed to himself as he went off to bother his husband.</p><p>“Yiqian,” Yuzhi said with some hesitation, as they had finished talking about the usual minutia of the day. “This evening…I would like to talk to you about a serious matter. Is it all right?”</p><p>Yiqian tensed slightly, but his expression remained unreadable. After a slight pause, he nodded. </p><p>The two sat together in their shared room that evening, Yuzhi’s mind drawn back to the many long and mostly one-sided conversations he had had with Song Lan, here in the Cloud Recesses. How much it had hurt, and yet how beautiful, the way he expressed himself only with his liuqin and with stern looks. But Song Lan was not gone, he reminded himself, feeling a strange flutter in his chest. He looked up toward Yiqian with a complicated smile.</p><p>“It’s odd,” he said softly. “Since you told me you recovered your memories…I almost don’t know whether to think of you as someone to care for, or someone who cared for me.”</p><p> The terse boy looked a little uncomfortable. He glanced behind Yuzhi at the sparse furnishings in the Lan rooms. “I don’t have many memories of this place. I don’t think I should be counted as one of those who cared for you.”</p><p>“…even so, you were someone I admired very much,” Yuzhi told him, his heart pounding slightly as he remembered all that time he had spent longing after Song Lan. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath to soothe his nerves. “When I was seventeen…I would have run into your arms in a heartbeat. Yet now I understand how you must have felt then.”</p><p>Yiqian’s lips slowly parted. He looked slightly flushed as he gazed at the ground as if looking at a difficult problem. Finally he gazed at Yuzhi in wonder. “I dreamt once…that you kissed me. Just before I died a second time.”</p><p>Yuzhi, now an adult in his thirties who should not be so easily embarrassed, flushed and covered his face in his hand. “No…that was real.”</p><p>Yiqian was clearly moved by this realization, but he seemed uncertain what to do. Slowly, his expression grew darker. “Is it…am I ugly?”</p><p>“What?” Yuzhi demanded, forgetting his embarrassment in an instant. “Of course not, why would you think that?”</p><p>“Because…I’m still the same person. You wanted me to be near me before. But…not now. My face is the only difference.”</p><p>Yuzhi pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose in self-hatred at having made sweet Yiqian think such a thing. “It’s my fault for failing to be honest with you,” he admonished himself. “No, Yiqian. You’re not ugly. You are…very handsome.”</p><p>Yiqian did not seem displeased by this, but his worry didn’t seem to lessen either. “…but…you still don’t want me.”</p><p>Yuzhi felt a swirl of emotions filling up his chest and threatening to tear him apart, and for a moment he couldn’t speak. He was sure before that rejecting Yiqian had been his only option. He had raised him, he couldn’t bear the thought of dragging him into a relationship that could harm him. Yet when his life was in danger, and as he fought to survive, Yuzhi had cursed his own fear that prevented him from being honest. Even knowing who Yiqian was all along didn’t stop him from loving him differently than he had loved Song Lan. </p><p>“I want you safe,” Yuzhi murmured helplessly. </p><p>Yiqian nodded, although Yuzhi could see the despair in his eyes. He had been expecting this. Perhaps from the start. Yuzhi’s heart broke just looking at him.</p><p>“Why did you tell me your feelings?” Yuzhi asked softly, not sure why himself.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Yiqian said reflexively, as if he had been holding that back for some time.</p><p>Yuzhi shook his head with a sigh. “It’s not criticism. I’m asking…what did you hope would happen? What if I had said I loved you too? What would you have done?”</p><p>Yuzhi seemed puzzled by the question. “…done…?”</p><p>“Yes. If I had shared your feelings.”</p><p>Yiqian’s gaze slowly lowered as the scene seemed to appear in his mind. His normally stiff expression shifted like clouds parting to reveal the sun. He seemed as if he might cry. But he only shook his head. “I would have been happy. More than happy.”</p><p>“And then what?”</p><p>Yiqian looked up, still seeming puzzled and waiting for a clue of some kind. </p><p>“…nothing?” Yuzhi asked in soft amazement. “You mean you told me without expecting anything? Not even hoping?”</p><p>Yiqian struggled to respond. Eventually he said, “I didn’t mean to tell you. I wasn’t thinking about what would happen. I didn’t consider your feelings. I’m sorry.”</p><p>Yuzhi closed his eyes through the vibrant emotions that struck him at Yiqian’s innocent misunderstanding. If Song Lan were not sitting here in front of him, he would have badly asked him what he should do. His sad dream about Song Lan made him realize something; perhaps he had been misunderstanding him all along. Song Lan might feel guilty, but as he thought back, Yuzhi realized that neither Song Lan nor Song Yiqian had never given any indication of feeling sexual attraction for him.</p><p>Yuzhi swallowed, certain he would feel like scum later when he remembered asking the boy he had raised this question. “So…you never thought about…doing things with me?”</p><p>Yiqian’s puzzlement returned. He supplied eventually, “…cultivating?”</p><p>Yuzhi sighed. “No. I meant…things that Wei Wuxian and Hanguang Jun do together.”</p><p>Yiqian took a moment to take this in, then blinked and recoiled slightly with color rising over his cheeks. He hurriedly shook his head. “Clan Leader is…pure. I would never.”</p><p>“…not so pure,” Yuzhi murmured in self-deprecation, his thoughts caught in immoral wandering between the feeling of Song Lan’s cold lips against his own and Yiqian’s warm and trembling ones. </p><p>He did not notice the hope beginning to sparkle in Yiqian’s subdued expression. Yiqian leaned very slightly closer as they sat on the floor together. He seemed to be trying to gauge Yuzhi’s expression, cautiously but hopefully. </p><p>“Clan Leader…did you have such thoughts for Song Lan?”</p><p>Yuzhi hid his face in his hand. He nodded.</p><p>“And…for me?”</p><p>Yuzhi breathed harshly. He couldn’t answer. Even thinking about it felt like a betrayal of this soul he had already hurt so much. And yet the desire to finally accept his love only grew until it became painful. </p><p>“How did you feel when I kissed you?” Yiqian asked cautiously.</p><p>Yuzhi shivered, heat touching his cheeks and filling up the core of his body. He could not fail to notice, after living with him for almost seventeen years, how handsome Yiqian had already become. Perhaps not in an obvious way, and he could be quite intimidating to those who did not know him, but to Yiqian he filled every room he was in with joy and excitement, even with his stern and gloomy expressions.</p><p>“I don’t know…” he murmured helplessly. </p><p>Yiqian seemed concerned by this response, but he hesitantly continued to try. He slowly moved his hand closer along the table on which Yuzhi was resting his. Carefully, and making sure Yuzhi was watching as he did it, he covered his hand with his own much larger one and squeezed it gently. Yuzhi’s heart fluttered at both the strength and the gentleness of his touch.</p><p>“And this?”</p><p>Rather than answer, Yuzhi lowered the hand that had been hiding his face. As if they were made of glass, he cautiously ran his fingertips over Yiqian’s knuckles. He let his hand settle over both Yiqian’s and his own, closing his eyes and softly trembling. As he felt another achingly soft touch against his cheek, he let out a shivering breath. </p><p>“…Xingchen,” Yiqian whispered, love resounding in his low voice.</p><p>Yuzhi felt on the verge of tears. He helplessly looked toward Yiqian. “Song Lan…what should I do?”</p><p>Yiqian softly stroked his cheek, but he shook his head. “You need never fear anything anymore. I promise I will never leave you again, and you can never hurt me. Do only what you want to.”</p><p>Yuzhi bit his lip as competing desire fought inside him. He remembered the dream, how he had felt simply thinking Song Lan blamed himself for Xiao Xingchen’s death. He remembered longing after Song Lan his every waking moment from the time he was a teenager. And Yiqian’s unconcerned expression as he made himself into a shield without a thought of his own safety. At the end of these unstoppable thoughts, Yuzhi’s answer came in the form of a soft thump of his head against Yiqian’s shoulder.</p><p>“I want you,” he whispered.</p><p>Yiqian took in several shaking breaths. At length, he sniffed and made a soft, pained sound. He nuzzled Yuzhi’s neck. Yuzhi jumped slightly from how good this small gesture felt. He sighed to himself.</p><p>“This time for sure…this soul won’t reach heaven,” he commented bitterly.</p><p>“Hell will not be so bad together,” Yiqian replied, and cautiously brushed his lips to Yuzhi’s cheek. </p><p>Yuzhi’s eyes fluttered closed, leaning in slightly to his touch. They sat for a moment very close this way, sharing the same air and feeling more connected than they ever had before. Yuzhi drew in close. He felt Yiqian’s slightly labored breath against his lips. And for the first time, the two starstruck souls shared a mutually initiated kiss. One that left Yuzhi feeling weak. Weak with fear, love, frustration, guilt, affection, and more than anything, a desire not to let it end here.</p>
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